Number 16
It was around 3:00 p.m. yesterday that I started to feel some anxiety set in. It’s the kind that you get when you know that you’re about to do something uncomfortable. I pulled at the hands of time; at 3:15 I started a new game of slide tiles on the computer; by 3:35 I pulled myself away from the computer and groused around for stuff to take with me to chemo. At 3:40, Nat and I rolled into the car and headed to the medical center for my 4:00 appointment.
When we arrived, I noticed I was swallowing more than usual and my stomach was unsettled. After checking into the Blue Suite, we found a couch, and we both chose to be quiet and read. I know for me, I needed something to distract me. I knew what was coming up in the next half hour or so. Even though I had been here 15 times previously, I’d never had such a strong negative response to chemo as I was having yesterday.
When I was called back, I had my vitals checked and then went to my room. My nurse was already waiting for me when I arrived, so as soon as I dropped my bag and crawled onto the bed, she started getting me ready for treatment. She gave me a pill to help relax me and then two Zofran pills (for nausea) to dissolve under my tongue. When the taste of the Zofran hit my mouth, I felt even more unsettled. I swallowed a lot and tried to remain as calm as I could as my nurse removed my Lidocaine dressing, swabbed the area with alcohol and inserted my IV needle after the count of 1...2... 3... and a deep breath. Because there was good blood return, chemo was ready to begin.
All was moving along smoothly, but this time for me, was a little disconcerting. My sense of smell was heightened – the alcohol swabs, the rubber gloves, and the adhesive that kept the port IV needle in place – it all bothered me. Even with tea and water, I couldn’t seem get the lingering taste of the Zofran out of my mouth.
Once the Dexamethasone (steroid) started dripping, and my nurse left, I had a bout of hives (ear itching, legs and stomach itching and hot). I readjusted myself on my bed, sat forward to read my magazine and tried to concentrate on the text instead of myself. Within a few minutes, between the anti-anxiety pill and diverting myself from the medical stuff around me, my hives subsided, and I was able to lie back on my pillow.
Because I wasn’t really reading my magazine or paying attention to photos – I decided to pull out my DVD player and The Gilmore Girls. As soon as I clicked Play, I was transported to Stars Hollow and the quick-paced dialogue of Lorelei and Rory, and I forgot about the smells, the tubes hanging off me and the meds flowing into me.
Sooner than I expected, it was 7:00 p.m. My nurse returned to flush my lines (still hate the smell/taste of Hepron), and I was done. My last chemo was done.
There were no bells, no whistles, just quiet, and I was really OK with that. I didn’t feel like whooping or hollering. I was tired.
I fell into bed early last night and thankfully, slept until 6:30 this morning. I’m feeling OK this morning, but I think my lack of energy has more to do with overall mental and physical fatigue from everything.
We’ve got plans to get out of the house for a while today before heading back down to the medical center at 7:00 p.m. for my last Neulasta shot. I know that the next few days are going to be uncomfortable, but at least I know what to expect. I’ll lay low, sleep a lot and remind myself that this is last time (hopefully) I ever have to go through this.
Love, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
Love and concern I'm happy you have past this milestone on your road to recovery. I know it is difficult. I send Love. O. L.
We love you.... and are happy to see you are finished with chemo. Well, hang in there, you are on the last lap and closing in on the finish. Sending good thoughts your way as always! Love, K. and C.
hang in there :) I'm happy for you that you're finished with chemo. Way to go:) You are going to make it all the way to a clean bill of health! I'm praying for strength for you:)
Hey, Lisa You know lots of people are sending positive thoughts your way. Sleep and take care of yourself. That's all anybody wants you to do. Your co-workers miss you but would rather you be home recuperating. See you soon! Love, D.
Eat lots of cake! to celebrate the end of chemo. Don't worry, I will be eating lots of cake to celebrate your end of chemo too. See that's the great thing about my friend having breast cancer! I have an excuse to eat cake to celebrate all the milestones!!! Woo hoo! Seriously though, you are one strong, beautiful woman. You've done the chemo! Isn't it amazing when you go through something like this and you realize the power you have to deal with the unexpected?
I've always known you would get through it gracefully. We love you, C. and J.
Congratulations! Finished with Chemo! Well done!! Congratulations from all of us in western NY. With love and tremendous respect, B.
So happy for you... Dear Lisa, We are elated you are through with a very hard part of this and can't wait to hear you are feeling more like yourself. We will have you on our "List" for as long as it takes, which won't be long anymore. Just sleep and rest and get well!! Lots of Love and Prayers, A. S.
A friend from Ann Arbor Although we have never met, I feel that I know you from your beautifully written entries on CarePages. I am a friend of Prue and Ami and have lived in Ann Arbor for over 50 years. Once a Wolverine, always a Wolverine.
A few months ago I learned that you had joined the "sorority of breast cancer survivors". None of us asked to join this select group, whose numbers keep growing, but what we do as members makes us unique. I have been a member for the past 8 years, having had a double mastectomy for lobular invasive cancer.
My journey has not been like yours since I am much older and have three children and four grandchildren. I can not imagine how I would feel if I had been placed in your shoes during the spring of this year. When everything is supposed to blossom, you and your wonderful husband, had to make some decisions that were painful to discuss, let alone, make.
But you have found yourself stronger than you ever believed because you are a survivor. I am sure that there were days that you didn't want to get up, get dressed, or perhaps asked yourself "why me"? To the last question, I have always asked myself, "what are the lessons I can learn from this or that". "Why Me?" is not productive and you need all your energy focused on your healing.
The difficult thing about chemo is that you probably felt great when you went into it and the chemo often made you feel sick. My suggestion to anyone undergoing this experience is to do a lot of visualization and try to visualize all the "stuff" they put your port racing around your blood stream catching all the bad cancer cells and killing them. A little like "pack man" game of old video days.
Keep up your wonderful ability to put your thoughts into written words. Sometimes you just want to get all your emotions, fears and special thoughts out of you and not necessarily for others to hear. Keep writing and remember to date your entries. My thoughts and prayers are with you as I send you tons of positive energy. Fondly,
M. O.
Three of you I've been off line for a while and when I came back yesterday there were three identical messages from you. I read the first one and then the second and finally the third and was glad that there had been no emergency or major changes. Because you express yourself so well its worth reading you three times.
I hope, like all your friends and family, that you have had your last chemo. I imagine its like saying goodbye to someone who did you favor but with who you are not really friends. I think that it’s not unusual to feel apprehensive about something that is ending because now everything will be new and untested.
I too love the Gilmore Girls, my youngest daughter forced me to watch it and ever since I've been a dedicated fan. I can understand how it can take you away to a wonderful place for a visit and then returns you safe and sound; it’s like a good rest.
Much love from Seattle, L. and T.