It's Always There
It’s insidious – cancer. It has this capability of sneaking into your head, settling in and won’t go away, no matter how hard you try to think of something else.
Yesterday, my first day without adult supervision, felt pretty normal. I attended to items on my “to do” list which made me feel productive. I had a number of animated phone conversations which added to my sense of well-being and overall good spirits. And by the time Nat got home, I was still sharp enough to have some quick-witted chat with him. I felt in charge, on top of life and in control.
But it was just when I thought I’d get through the day without having that sinking feeling I’ve felt far too often lately, it came on without any warning. Maybe it was because I was nearing the end of a long day; maybe it was because my head was starting to wind down, but it happened just at a moment when Nat reached out to pull me closer to him.
It was like a bright red, blinking, and buzzing neon sign – one that had every intent of getting my attention. It wasn’t subtle in any way. It was as if cancer was saying, “Hey, don’t forget that you have me. You will not ignore or diminish me!” Bam, Bam! BAM!! My head was suddenly noisy with cancer. I tried very hard to quiet my head, but that’s when my body was sucked in. I gasped, my chest heaved and tears gushed forward. It was as if because I hadn’t allowed myself to be dragged into negative thinking about cancer all day long, cancer was going to really give it to me, at a most vulnerable and private moment.
In the midst of me sobbing I managed an “I’m sorry all this is happening,” and “This is so unfair to you.” That's when Nat pulled me even closer and reassured me that everything was going to be OK - that he wasn't going anywhere. Slowly but surely, we worked to get my breath back; eventually my tears stopped spilling; the noise in my head slowly dissipated, and I was finally able to shut my eyes.
Needless to say, sleep last night wasn’t entirely restful, but I woke well before my alarm was set to go off, ready to take on a new day. And even if cancer is lurking in my shadows, I’m excited about being engaged in life today.
Love, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
Moments like these. It's at moments like these where I feel completely helpless in the right words to encourage you with. As I read your update so many thoughts pass through my mind. What an awesome gift you and Nat are to each other! The other thing I keep thinking of is that all of your past experiences have in some small way prepared you for this moment. You have risen above the noise in your head before, and you will do it again! And on those days where you feel like you can't rise above the noise are the days where loved ones step in for you. What an incredible moment the two of you had last night! No wonder you woke up this morning ready to face another day!!!! I love strong women in our history like Helen Keller, Mother Teresa, Corrie Ten Boom etc. I recently wrote down a Helen Keller quote. I don't know if it will be helpful...but here it is: "When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another." Wrap your precious head around that today and also make some time to laugh!!! Much love to my precious friend and her hubby! A million hugs! M.
Beautiful Writer I loved reading your update. You are truly gifted with the pen and with the ability to express your emotions. You will reach out and touch so many with your willingness to open up and share your experience. Thank you for sharing some of your most endearing moments with us. You are a strong woman and you will get through this experience in a way that is sure to inspire all of us.
One step at a time, one day at a time - Lots of love, J. T.
Lighten your load. Everyone who reads your wonderful words sharing your feelings, wants to lighten your load. There is little we, from far away, can do except to tell you we are thinking happy and healthy thoughts for you and Nat every day. Sunnier days are ahead. J.
Hey Girl! Just wanted to say hi and that I hope to see you today. I heard you were coming in to work today! Everything in the clinic is winding down although kids still are not wanting to stay in school! I think they want to start their summer vacations early. I guess who wouldn't! Hang in there and when you are able I want to take you to meet my magic horse. His name is Tex and he is a sweetie and very good at helping you forget the bad stuff. He has big brown eyes and loves carrots and peppermints. He exudes peacefulness and joy and you would love him! Anyway, take good care of yourself! Know you are loved, O.
What is love? I thought you might like this story. It comes from a school teacher who asked her little ones to tell them what love is. They came up with the usual things like helping mommy with the dishes, cleaning up the room and reading a story to the little sister. One story came from a little boy who went out to his back yard and saw his elderly neighbor sitting in a lawn chair by himself. That man had just lost his wife to cancer and the little boy climbed on his lap and sat there for a long time. His mom saw this and later asked the boy what he said to the old man. Oh, the little boy replied, I didn't say anything. I just sat there and helped him cry. With our love and prayers, T.
:) I was SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU yesterday!!! You looked FANTASTIC. Really. You had such good color, your smile was radiant. I know you said "IT" is always there, but you aren't allowing it to rule you! When it speaks to you and reminds you that it is still there, you shout back and say YES BUT I AM STRONGER THAN YOU ARE!!
I am amazed that you were back at work. You might not be in full-force, but you are making your come-back. Returning to that small piece of normal you have been craving. You might have moments when the negative thoughts will creep in, trying to take over. It sounds like when you cry, you are letting it out and you have a wonderful husband to catch your tears and emotions as they fall. What a blessing.
The storm last night was soothing. I hope you were able to sleep. Somehow, thunder and rain makes sleeping so much more peaceful to me. I remember when I was a child and I was terrified of thunder. I would run into my parent's bed to sleep with them during every storm. As I grew older, my mom told me how much she loved the rain when she slept and would even open her window a bit so she could hear the raindrops hitting the leaves on our tree. I guess I still have that comforting feeling of being in her bed when I hear rain. :)
Well, I need to go for now, but I just wanted to let you know how amazing you are! Stay strong! Continued prayers and of course big BIG ((((HUGS)))) XOXO, M.
From Your Mom and Dad's Neighbors ;) I've been skimming your pages for days now with moments of sadness and happiness all at the same time. Your M&D have been keeping us updated on your diagnosis phase and now treatment. We as a family, want you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers daily. As you may or may not know I have been going through the diagnosis phase of all of this as well which started over 2 months ago with mammo and u/s. I received the news last nite that pathology results of the excisional biopsy I had on Wed was negative for cancer. However, the Dr. did say she wanted to go through the report with me on Wed. when I see her for a follow up, so it worries me that something might be in there that concerns her. I will keep your M&D updated. But this post wasn't supposed to be about me anyway LOL! (M&D.... LOL means LAUGHING OUT LOUD). I also want to say you certainly do have a knack for writing and expressing your feelings. It's refreshing to see how upbeat you are and trying your hardest to stay strong for you and your family. I'm thinking of you and praying for you and sending cyber hugs to you. Stay Strong. You can and WILL beat this! S. G.