My 16th and final chemotherapy treatment will wrap up around 7:00 p.m. tonight. I know that it makes sense to get excited, and I should be thrilled, but I don’t feel like jumping for joy or shouting from a mountain top or giggling with glee – at least not yet.
Over the last several weeks, instead of eagerly anticipating chemo coming to an end, I’ve been wondering why I haven’t felt excitement welling up inside me. It’s not as if I don’t realize that completing chemo is a momentous occasion; it is definitely an accomplishment. But the truth is since March when I first learned that something was amiss, it’s felt as if someone’s had their hands on my back constantly pushing me forward. This has been hard for me because I don’t like to move forward until I have had time to understand, think about and internalize new information and experiences.
I’ve been propelled along a course of tests, surgery, chemotherapy, genetic testing and soon radiation therapy, and it feels as if my head hasn’t kept pace with my body. My mind and body haven’t been afforded any real rest or break either, so I certainly haven’t had much time to process any one procedure or event completely.
Granted I feel good that surgery removed the identified cancerous tumors, chemotherapy hopefully drowned any cancerous cells swimming around my body, and radiation will hopefully zap any cells gasping for life, but the reality is that my head is still back at March trying to come to terms with being diagnosed with breast cancer.
So here it is - the end of chemotherapy, and I’m feeling at a loss. I wish I were giddy; I’d like to have happy butterflies in my stomach. I keep trying to conjure up these joyous feelings, but I’m just not there... yet. I'm glad though that I know myself well enough to know that I will eventually make my way to feeling relieved and happy that I’ve made it through to the end of this tough road.
Love, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
Dear Lisa You are walking a difficult path. I know it is not easy to do, and yet you are doing it. I admire your strength, even when you are exhausted and full of questions. You keep going however, even when things are difficult. So, as you continue this journey, we will continue to ask the Lord to give you peace, hope, and strength and everything you need for every step you take. Bless you always. D.
Thinking of you Hi Lisa and Nat- Thanks to your articulate and courageous CarePages; we have followed your progress these past months. The fact that you shared the treatments, the race and your feelings about this whole process has made a difference to all of us. We are thinking of you. With love- j. and c. s.
Hey girlfriend! You don't have to be the one to celebrate because we are all here doing it for you. All day long people have come in and out excited for your last treatment. So just know it's ok because for now we will be the ones celebrating for you and when you are ready we will also be here to celebrate with you.
Take care and know that we all love you!
LaLa Land Loves Lisa (and alliteration) All our love, and congrats from the city on fire, I mean the city of angels. Your strength and openness during your chemo treatments have truly been an inspiration to follow in these CarePages. Not to mention your strength and openness in letting your husband and his friends dress up like warlocks every month.
We wish you the best and are with you every step of the way during the next phase and all the good times thereafter. Love, The Venice Beach gang