How Do I Feel?
I’ve sat down several times at the computer over the past couple of weeks, but I haven’t been able to finish a paragraph, a sentence or more accurately, a thought – hence my absence from posting. My inability to compose my thoughts has frustrated me because I know that writing has been a great way for me to crystallize and organize my thoughts. So this posting has been difficult for me. I think the main reason is that I'm not exactly sure how I feel. I’m all over the board with my emotions. And more often than not, I feel like things are rushing all around me in such a way that I haven’t had enough time to figure out how I feel.
It would make sense that one of the things in the forefront of my mind lately has been accepting each and all of the physical changes and the accompanying emotional issues and how they and the bigger issue – cancer – are affecting me. So many things are happening at the same time.
My hair has fallen out and because of this, my hair follicles are irritated causing pimple-like bumps all over my scalp. I’ve packed on extra pounds. My doctor claims that it may be due to the weekly dose of steroids or the carbs I continually crave or both. Taxol irritates my sinuses, so bloody mucous is usual each morning. One of the veins in my left arm has scarring due to the many needle sticks. Overall, I’m generally more tired than I’m accustomed. And I swear I’ve been experiencing the onset of hot flashes (menopause being another side effect of Taxol).
Given my nature, I’m constantly trying to counter the negative things that are happening, so I’m glad that I’ve got a bunch of scarves and hats to cover my head. I’ve managed to get out and walk 45 minutes each day, so even though I’m gaining weight, I’m not gaining as much weight as I might have. Plus the added bonus is a general sense of well-being. The bloody noses and tired veins will subside within a few months. To combat fatigue, I take guilt-free naps and am learning to ask for help. And the hot flashes (one which I’m having right this very moment) were going to happen eventually.
I want to believe that I’m doing the best that I can to navigate this course. I guess it’s important that I remind myself that the focusing on the positive is what keeps me afloat and enables me to swim upstream in waters that are especially turbulent and fast-moving.
Love, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
Good to hear from you! I was just thinking today that I hadn't seen an update yet. I was also thinking that I needed to call. In addition to that thinking...I was thinking that Kelly might be in town by now. I'm thinking way toooooo much!!!! I will start doing more and thinking less! When we get together again, we could be a full package deal. You could have the hot flashes and I could have the mood swings. That's what friends are for! Tomorrow is Independence Day, and I'm one of those people that gets sappy over July 4th. I love it that we set aside a day to celebrate our freedom. Even though the celebration is from the freedom we got 200 plus years ago, I always like to look at it as a here and now kind of thing too. I'm looking forward to being able to celebrate with you next year a freedom from cancer. We can look at the fireworks and think of it as a big party in your honor. So tomorrow when you look at the fireworks on TV or in person, I want to encourage you to imagine those same fireworks next year and the significant meaning they will have for you. I'll put that phone call into action tomorrow! A million hugs to you and Nat! M.
You deserve those extra carbs! with all you're going through, hell, I'd be eating a bag of Tostitos (just discovered the lime infused ones....yum) every day. in addition to more opportunities to carb-load, each day brings you one day closer to that clean bill of health. hang in there, Lisa -- and regards to Nat too. Will he be shaving his head in solidarity (by the way, everyone knows that a shiny dome is sexier...) J. L. Ann Arbor
Thinking of you Hi Lisa: Happy July 4th. Had a wonderful time at your folks Monday along with L., JH and A. It was great. Think of you everyday. Hang in there, it will get better. You are a strong girl. Have a good day. Hello to Nat. A. J.
You are an inspiration! I was so happy to see your posting this morning when I turned my computer on. Hair, or the lack of it, will never affect your beauty.
Give yourself a break. Don't worry about the carbs and get your naps in. You deserve 'em. I have been so inspired by your journaling. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless. P. D.
carbs are our friends God invented carbs for a reason; it’s the food most of us turn to for comfort and it sounds like you need a large dose of that right now and it’s no wonder. Up until now you have been strong and resilient as you dealt with the intellectual aspects of your disease. Now you are at the mercy of your treatment and cure and these have become temporary enemies. One wonders how you would be feeling if you hadn't allowed medicine to intervene; probably better but that would be smoke and mirrors and wouldn't last.
It’s noble to be strong and, indeed, strength and a positive attitude are components of resistance and make you the soldier that you are. But Lisa, you are also allowed to get into bed and pull the covers over your head if that helps get over the hurdle of a particularly bad moment. What woman hasn't curled up under a blanket with a bowl of mashed potatoes, or ice cream, and sobbed during a superior chick flick? We emerge from this vegetative state stronger and more attuned to our bodies and emotions.
An itchy head, bloody nose and laboring muscles are a small price to pay for throwing off this heavy black cloud. I can relate to your hot flashes; I have lived long enough to have earned them and I have a few suggestions. Wear cotton because its a breathable material; socks are helpful if sweat drips down your legs as they prevent you from slipping out of shoes and if you get night sweats sleep on a soft beach towel; it saves changing the bed linen in the middle of the night. This too will pass.
Keep walking and we will walk with you; walk away from this disease and we will keep you company. You have led from the start and I hope that our admiration gives you the strength you need. Here in Seattle we have had sporadic fireworks every day and night for a week; people are eager to celebrate and tonight's key presentations won't be the end of it; people like the power of noise and light; unfortunately our dogs don't agree. Right now the smaller one is hiding under the bed, slightly mellowed out on a Benadryl high. I wonder how your cats react? Perhaps they will hide from this spectacular fright but when its over it will become a fading memory, the scary bits put into perspective with a welcoming acceptance of the new day. You too my dear, you too. Love from T. and L.
still with you although we have been quiet we are still with you. You however are not and should not be quiet!! keep shouting, and in the spirit of the 4th exploding with your special brand of fireworks. Luv C. and H. A., Ann Arbor
enjoy the carbs And keep up the walking. It's a fine line and you are doing a wonderful job! I was very moved by the shower story and really feel the place where you are currently finding yourself. It is such a journey, as is all of life. Thinking of you and sending love from Ann Arbor on this 4th of July, k. n.
on the positive side One day at a time- being positive helps. It's great you can ask for help too. C. S.
You are amazing These messages you send are so candid, you are causing me to be more clear in my thinking too. It is as if we all must be more direct and appreciative of our self in relation to other selves and to think what "health" and "happiness" really might mean. Thanks for the clarity and courage that you convey. Even though I did not know you before, I have come to care for you enormously - P.