Expected Loss But Still Hard
I noticed it towards the end of my shower when I looked down at the tub floor and saw hair sprinkled all about. I knew right at that moment what was happening, but I felt compelled to grab a hold of a bit of hair and gently pull, quietly hoping that when I opened my hand, there’d be nothing there. But when I opened my hand, proof that my hair was starting to fall out was there.
I got out of the shower, turned around, leaned over the tub and rubbed my head with my towel. Again, the tub was littered with hair. It seemed like I had lost a lot of hair, so before I looked up into the mirror, I took a deep breath and steadied myself for what might be a reflection of a different me.
It was a relief to see that I still had a “full” head of hair, but what I knew right then, was that I had begun the most noticeable side effect of my chemotherapy. With a significant amount of hair remaining, I was further relieved to know that I’d have at least some time to think through how I would best cope with this side effect of chemo.
Of course I continually walk myself through the things that I already know on an intellectual level. My hair loss is temporary, and it will grow back. People will react to me like I do to others who are challenged with health issues; they will understand, offer supportive and be gentle. Because my hair is falling out, I’ve got evidence that Taxol is doing its job. More than likely, I’ll get accustomed to my hairless self staring back at me in the mirror. And despite the unpleasant side effects of this treatment, I do take pleasure in knowing that I won’t have to shave my legs or pluck my eyebrows for at least the next five months!
Yet the underlying emotional struggle is that I’m still losing my hair. I’m not freaking out to the point of shutting down and disengaging with the rest of the world. Simply said, losing my hair is just not easy.
I don’t like it that each morning when I look at my hands after sudsing my hair with shampoo, my hands are filled with hair. It’s discontenting to look around the bathroom after drying off and seeing hair everywhere – on floor, the baseboards, the walls, the windowsill. When I put gel into my hands, I can’t help but think I should be mindful of rubbing too vigorously because I might end up rubbing all the remaining hair from my head. When I blow-dry my hair, still more lets loose and flies around the room. While I have paste emulsifying in my hands, I comfort myself knowing that I can mold my hair in such a way to cover the balding spots. And then I thank goodness for hairspray! It has been my saving grace each day this week. I generously mist with expectations that its adhesive power will hold what hair I have left intact.
So yesterday with remaining hair in place, I sat in the waiting room of the infusion therapy clinic. As I scanned the room, every woman my eyes fell upon was bald, and I couldn’t help but think back to that first day I was in the clinic in March when I thought, “There’s no way I’ll look good in a scarf.” Clearly, that was a statement that stemmed from the shock of finding myself faced with breast cancer and fear as to how I would manage. Last night, however, when my eyes moved around the room, I saw differently. Instead of scarves, I saw vital women. I have to believe that each and everyone of us is still very much interested and invested in life, so much so that we agree to wash all our cells (even the healthy ones) with toxic chemicals with hopes and expectations that life will still be ours to live once we’re through this. And surely because of the prospect of a life continued, we’re willing (and I’m willing) to endure side effects of treatment that test stamina, will-power and self image.
Love, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
Madame Marathon runner! As I was reading your update, the thought came into my mind that you've hit another marker on your marathon run! When you talked about the vitality of the women in the waiting room and yourself, I literally pictured a burst of energy come over you on your run! The best part is...you still smell good!!!! Just remember, chemo may take your hair, but it will NEVER take your heart and your spirit!!!! A million hugs to you and Nat.
You Are Woman We hear you and because having a bad hair day is something we can identify with I believe that most of us can go a step beyond that and join you empathetically in a waiting room wearing a scarf. I do this when I have been working hard and don't have time to shower before running out to do errands. And I tuck every little bit underneath because it look worse with tufts sticking out. And I get the odd look.
Think of the women who made scarves a fashion note. Angelina wears them beautifully, Queen Noor, The Queen of England, (well maybe thats a poor example ) but you get the picture. Lisa, you are so beautiful that bald will become you. Remember when Elizabeth Taylor had brain surgery and was photographed, at her request, without a hair on her head. Melissa E. sang in concert and some others did it deliberately for parts in movies or to express political sentiments.
Of course you don't identify with these women yet, it’s not easy when it is happening to you. And hope against hope it is happening. But you are right to think of that destructive toxin and what it is doing to those bad critters on the loose within your body. You are still sounding good and my bet is that you are looking good. Now I have to go out to buy some stock in Hair Spray, and I don't mean the musical. with love, L.
HAIR I remember cutting my hair short once and the hair stylist said, "If you don't like it, don't worry...it's just hair...it will grow back." IT'S JUST HAIR...I don't think anything has ever sounded so untrue. Seeing things through your eyes makes my world different. AND BETTER. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. My prayers continue to be with you. Enjoy the rainy day. :) XOXO, M.
Hi Hang in there and keep smiling. You would be amazed at the power of a smile, both for you and others. Love, L.
You are inspiring Lisa, I am always moved by how open you are about everything you are going through. How you don't hesitate to confront your reality while also being as optimistic as a person could reasonably be about the outcome. You are an inspiration. Hang in there, and give Nat my warm regards. You would have been really proud of how he spoke, by the way, at the Humanitarian Award Dinner where his parents were honored...
Thinking of You I just finished catching up on all your thoughts, and I thought I would let you know how much you are still on my mind. I think of you and pray for your beautiful spirit every day. I'm teaching two days a week and in grad classes every Monday and Wednesday night. We are still in wedding chaos! J. had her first bridal shower yesterday, and it is still so hard to believe that she is getting married in less than two months. I'm traveling to Dallas the next two weekends for another bridal shower and then bachelorette party. I sure do miss talking to you! Love, V.
My Sister I LOVE YOU!