Almost There
I’m fried – both physically and emotionally. The area between my breasts, underneath my right breast (right where an under wire sits) and my right armpit is pretty much burned to a crisp. I vacillate between the intense desire to scratch like mad (which would only make matters worse) and pressing a cool hand on the “hot” spots. My skin, in the radiated areas, is thin and worn out so much so that in these last days of treatment, my radiation therapists have avoided pulling off adhesive tape that covers critical ink markings on my skin for fear of taking some of my skin along with the tape.
Thankfully, my last five days of treatment are just “boosts,” so my most damaged skin is no longer getting radiated. The “boost” (an electron beam) I receive for days 26 – 30 is delivered just to the tumor bed.
Prior to the start of this last phase of treatment, I had an appointment so that a new cradle could be made for me because instead of laying on my back as I did for the first 25 treatments, my last five require me to lay on my left side, right arm lifted and resting over my head. The cradle provides support so that I remain still. Additionally, during treatment a clear plastic paddle is pressed down on the right side of my breast/ribcage so that the tumor bed area is as flattened out as possible.
For the five or so minutes I’m in “boost” treatment, I sort of feel like I do when I go in for a mammogram – lots of pressure bearing down on a specific spot. My radiation therapists know this is uncomfortable and work as quickly as possible to position me and administer treatment, all the while talking to me in quiet voices and checking to be sure that I can “tolerate” the pressure of the plastic paddle as they push down until they’re satisfied with the treatment field.
What makes these last few treatments tolerable is knowing they only last a total of five minutes (a few minutes to position me and about 20 seconds of radiation); I’m only days away from being completely finished with radiation, and my most damaged areas of skin are exempt from getting “boosted;” therefore I can slather on Aquaphor to my heart’s and skin’s content!
I’m relieved that my final days of radiation have occurred while I’ve been on winter break. Throughout treatment I’ve been going to work and assumed that my increased fatigue was a result of balancing the final days of a very busy semester and daily treks to the medical center. When vacation got underway, however, instead of feeling more and more rested and refreshed, just the opposite seems to have happened. I’m more tired and worn out than I ever expected.
I suspect that the distance that I’ve traveled over the last nine months is catching up to me. My body has gone from surgery to chemotherapy and radiation at what feels like is well over a reasonable speed limit, and my brain is hung up at a rest stop way back somewhere around, “Ms. Millenbah, the biopsy results show evidence of cancerous cells.”
I’m really looking forward to mid-morning this coming Thursday when I walk away from my last radiation treatment. I will begin what I hope will be a much-needed break for my body and a chance for my head to finally catch up!
Lots of love, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
The finish line Lisa- the finish line is in sight. Best wishes for a happy, healthy and peaceful 2008 to you, Nat and Ethan. C. S.
You're almost there. We're thinking of you as the new year approaches. You've been through so much in 2007. Here comes a better year. You need time to catch up with yourself and make sense out of this difficult experience. We hope you'll give yourself that time. Descriptions of the burns leave me speechless. You've got great fortitude. Please take care in ALL ways this coming month. Love to you and Nat and Ethan, E. and N.
Almost over I love reading the details of how it all works! I feel extra special, having been in to see the really huge room and the huge machine and the incredibly thick door that you walk in and out of.. It's really the 21st century...
You've been so strong and brave and funny and thoughtful through the whole horrible ordeal...... You are a role model for the rest who feel that it's not "if" but when it's going to be our turn.. much love, Prue and Ami
Only a few days to go!! You don't know me, Lisa, but I've posted a couple times before. I am a friend of Prue's. I think you so perfectly explained how your treatment has gone forward without your emotional self keeping up. Physically I would think radiation alone would be exhausting, but the emotional part is now catching up with your physical self. So be good to yourself. Rest -- and when you are up to it, maybe get a massage and a facial -- which can be great for your psyche as well as your body. Anyway, I am excited to know you are closing in on final days for treatment. Wonderful! C. S.
You are the real deal! I'm so glad that I knew you before cancer, but how blessed I've been to be able to know you during and after cancer!!!! You are the real deal!!!! You've been transparent with your village and because of that, we've laughed, cried and celebrated with you!!! It takes courage to lay all of your "body parts" out there for the world to know. When I was coming home from our time together the other night, I felt a wave of panic come over me. The closest thing I can compare it to is that feeling you had when chemo was almost over. I was feeling your journey to the core at that moment. I realized the security that chemo and radiation has offered. After all, when you are going to the "radiation resort" for your daily dose of sunburn how can those pesky cancer cells survive! The good news is that you have great doctors, a great family, and you've done your research. If you were a 12 stepper then I'd say you worked your program!!!!! a million hugs! M.
Person of the Year Lisa - you continue to give us all the most amazing insights into your process and progress. Your candor and wit are unparalleled in any one I have ever know before. This is especially amazing as I really only know you from these messages I get to share with other family and friends. Thank you for being Person of the Year as far as I am concerned. Happy 2008 and continued progress. Love from the NYC fan club.
Thinking of you I'm always amazed that you find the will to write what you go through! I guess it's what keeps you going..I'm not sure I could do it.(besides, my spelling/grammar is awful!) I'm looking forward to you being done with all of this & getting back to the important stuff...like going to Target, Starbucks, & walking girlfriend days.... Much love, M.
New Year I know that 2007 was a blur of pain and disappointment. I'm thankful to know you're almost done with all your treatments. I know that 2008 will be a welcome break for you. Happy New Year to you and your family. I'm sure all those thoughts and prayers have been moving you in the right direction.
New Year Here is to a New Year and a New You!!! Still thinking about you and wishing you well. Love, L.
walking away Well if anyone deserves to walk away tall it is you. Glad that the burned area is getting a rest and hope that you too will be able to experience some relaxation and an opportunity to build up your strength. Yes, it’s been hell and your poor body is saying, "what did I do?". Of course it is nothing that it or you did and both your mind and body deserve some respite. New Year 2008 is nearly here and we wish you and your wonderful and devoted family and faithful friends better health and peace of mind. We love you, L. and T.
Throw the razor away! One positive about radiation...now you don't have to shave your right armpit. Woohoo! Happy New Year, my friend. I am thrilled that this part of the journey is almost over and you will be able to relax and nurture yourself. The radiation sounds like a harrowing experience, and once again, I am so proud of you.
Remember, when you're ready, Santa Barbara is just a few hours away. You are welcome any time. I love you, C.
Here's to a new and different year, 2008
Lisa, I'm so glad to hear you are ending this horrible trek you have been on and which you have chronicled so thoughtfully for friends and family. As a school leader, I thought I'd let you know that today while I sat at our district office receiving donations from community members for their year end tax credit donations, the other three district employees and I shared how exhausted we had been before the holidays began and how we crashed and have done little but sleep since the chaos of Christmas on top of the semester came and went. And you, dear lady, have more reason to be exhausted than we three. Love to you and Nat and best wishes for a great 2008. See you at Jon's big weekend in LA in May. Is there a poem hiding here??
Lisa You are one tough cookie and I am FULL of respect for you and what you have accomplished this last year!
Thinking of you Thank you for sharing so much of this cancer experience with all of us. Your courage and strength is a special gift and we continue to learn from you. We trust that 2008 will be good to you, Nat and Ethan. With love j. and c. s.