I have a sweet cat, Phoenix, who is a stress case especially when he’s scared or overstimulated. I’ve spent years working with veterinarians to lessen his anxiety, and I’ve got a pretty good routine with him plus some anti-anxiety meds on board, too. But there are just some days that are tougher for him than others.

Recently he was chewing on a plugged-in electrical cord; something he’s done for years - a sign that he’s uneasy. As soon as I notice this behavior, I distract him - a toy, a treat, second breakfast, petting, picking him out to look out a window together, but this time, as soon as I stopped interacting with him, he went right back to chewing on another plugged-in cord. During this latest electrical cord fixation, nothing I did was working, so I decided to head upstairs and lay down on our bed knowing Phoenix would follow - he tends be in close proximity of me most of the time. Right on my heels, he jumped up onto our bed, and as I settled down, so did he.

So as Phoenix and I laid on our bed, I starting wondering if the cord chewing was not so much about him but really more about me. Was he trying to tell me something? Maybe not literally, but I didn’t discount the possibility that he was picking up on my energy level - which on that day was anxious and agitated. And taking a cue from him, I decided to look inward. What was on my mind? What was bothering me?

For a good stretch of time, I’ve been trying to figure out how to manage my thoughts about cancer. Recently I was telling my oncology therapist about my on-going internal struggles with living with this new round of cancer. I described how I keep trying to tamp down my cancer thoughts because I don’t want to think about them “all the time.” But I can’t manage to do that because constantly trying to push down the thoughts means that ultimately I end up thinking about cancer more than I want.

When I finished explaining how I wanted to figure out a way to step away from cancer or not be faced with it “all the time,” she gently told me that she understood my desire to do what I was describing. She also recognized that it is very normal to want to wish that I could go back to life before cancer, to not think about it “all the time.” But in a situation like metastatic cancer or other life-changing diseases or situations, it’s just not possible to go back to life before ______. And then she suggested that instead of putting so much energy into making the thoughts go away, maybe I’d consider acceptance. Huh… Pause…. Process…. Wheels turning…

It’s not like the concept of acceptance is new to me, but I hadn’t thought about it related to cancer. Shouldn’t I fight against it? Wouldn’t acceptance mean giving in and giving up? But as we talked, I started to realize that acceptance might actually provide freedom and rest.

So after that session and then a few weeks of thinking about, trying to write about, and then trying it out, this is what I’ve got so far. Acceptance means knowing that I have cancer, and I cannot change or control that. It just is. As I’ve opened myself to the concept of acceptance, I am surprised by how much lighter I feel. I don’t feel as rushed and frenzied. I don’t feel like I’m wearing a gigantic clock around my neck listening to the loud ticking as it counts down time. Instead coming to terms with what cancer is and what I can do (or not do) about it, is causing me to refocus and prioritize. Energy that was being depleted by worry and anxiety is now channeled into more positive spaces. I like the idea of embracing the preciousness of life and how living makes me feel good. It means encouraging myself to do now rather than later, why not instead of why and today instead of some day.

I think it’s important to mention that because I’m working towards acceptance, I don’t take my diagnosis lightly; I’m not ignoring it. I still live with it everyday, and sometimes there are things that happen that are a bummer, but what seems to be changing is the prominence of anxiety-producing cancer thoughts. I feel more balanced, happier and light-hearted. And that feels really good for me!

Yes, of course! So I probed a bit on what she was thinking - did she want specific colors - bright, muted, mixed, solids, prints? Did she want traditional quilt blocks? Modern shapes? Wonky?

It was landscapes she wanted, and while she was saying this, she pulled up pictures of her apartment on which color block landscape prints were hanging on the wall. She said, “I was thinking something like this…”

I knew right away that this was very do-able. If you break down the print, there are just six colors (translate - 6 different fabrics), and the shapes of each color (a.k.a. part of the landscape) are not overly complicated to cut or sew.

Sarah’s initial directions were fluid and open-ended - landscapes with a variety of fabrics she’d pulled from my stash. We both were excited at the possibilities. Sarah returned home, and then panic set in!!!

OMGosh! Landscapes! What kind of landscapes? One with water? And if water - what kind of water? Ocean? River? Lake? Or how about a mountain landscape? Oh geez! Should it have snow? No snow? A combo of both? And should that mountain have a stream running down it? Would she want a field landscape? Should it be filled with grasses? Or flowers? Or pathways?

And the real question ended up being - How in the world am I going to do EIGHT individual landscape placemats if I’m struggling with the first placemat?! I found myself mentally paralyzed. Several months passed, and Sarah returned for another visit. While sitting around the dining room table, I explained my conundrum to Sarah. I asked questions about content, colors and designs. As we talked, she scrolled through photos on her phone. There it was!!! A vintage black and white photo of the shoreline of Lake Michigan hanging on the wall of her apartment.

And in that moment, I knew what to do! That photo was the answer to what would make the project meaningful to Sarah and at the same time, provide me with a framework to create the placemats. I suggested we use landscapes that were from places she’d lived or visited. And as quickly as the words were coming out of my mouth, Sarah was showing me photo after photo of landscapes that could easily serve as the inspiration and direction for her project.

At the end of our brainstorming session, Sarah was charged, while on her flight back home, to come up with eight photos that she’d like made into placemats. When she landed, my phone buzzed, and I had a text from Sarah with the following photos (and descriptions).

There they were - Sarah’s placemats. I saw the colors and shapes, and knew these photos would fit the bill. I was ready to get to work.

To take these photos and make them into illustrations was my first challenge. I found and downloaded a program on my iPad called Procreate, and with help of Youtube tutorials, I figured out how to turn photos into color-block illustrations. Here’s an example of how a photo became an illustration.

Once the illustration of each photo was completed, and the fabric was chosen, I was ready to enlarge the illustration using a small projector. The illustration’s image was cast onto a piece of freezer paper measuring 13”x19” - rough placemat size.

As a note: Freezer paper is a good medium for creating applique templates, because one side of the paper is polycoated, and when placed coating side down onto fabric and warmed with an iron, it sticks to the fabric - basically creating a removable sticker in a desired shape. I traced the general shapes onto the freezer paper, cut the images out of the paper, ironed them to fabric, and cut the fabric shapes.

Then I started building a quilt sandwich. The bottom layer was the fabric that is on the back of the placemat, the next layer (the middle layer) was a piece of quilt batting. The top layer was the landscape made of the fabric pieces that I laid out and secured in place with small pieces of Stitch Witchery - basically gluing down each piece.

Once the top layer was done, I took the quilt sandwich to my sewing machine, and stitched over the entire piece with thread that coordinated with the various colors of fabric. This step not only creates more visual interest, but it also secures all the fabric pieces into place. Next, I squared up and trimmed the mat so it measured 12”x18.” And lastly I added a binding to the rough edges of the placemat and attached a label.

And while it may look like this was a solo effort, Sarah and I actually did a good amount of collaboration on this project via text. She approved illustrations making sure to indicate which details from the photos she hoped could be in the placemats. I sent her images of fabric options, she responded with preferences for colors and patterns of fabric. And she and I celebrated with exclamation marks and heart emojis as I texted her a photo of each placemat as they were completed. It was definitely a process we both enjoyed.

I completed the Sarah’s placemats right before a family get together, so I was able to deliver them to her in person. I love thinking that these will become part of dinner conversations as she describes these special places and the memories she has of them.

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I’m not mad - even after varied surgeries to reduce swelling from lymphedema in my right arm meant difficult recoveries leaving me with scars that need to be stretched and smoothed years after the initial surgeries. Even after reconstructive breast surgeries left me feeling less not more attractive. I’m not mad - after learning that my original breast cancer metastasized and showed up in the bone of my left femur/hip. Even after more radiation and more hormone therapy. I’m not mad - even though the targeted drug therapy (Ibrance) drops my white blood cell count and makes me quite tired all the time. I’m not mad - even though Stage IV cancer causes me to think more than I did before about end-of-life, life, living, not living.

I’m well aware that I have every right to be mad. I really know that. But that is simply not the way I’ve ever felt since hearing the life-changing words - “you have cancer,” both in 2007 and in 2021. I’ve tried really hard to will myself to feel mad, get mad, be mad. But I just haven’t been able to do it, to feel it, to be it. I’ve seen others get mad but nope, I can’t and don’t have the desire to get mad. I know that I could say “F-ck Cancer” a million times a day, scream at the top of my lungs, clench my fists and stomp - no one would think I was being irrational or unreasonable. I realize it empowers, feels good, is cathartic for many - it just hasn’t and isn’t a part of my experience. Maybe eventually it will be; maybe it won’t.

I’ve talked about it in therapy, wondered about it and have decided that it’s OK that I haven’t embraced that emotion. And it’s not like I’m in denial about my history related to cancer. My mind is processing, considering and thinking about cancer every day, many times a day. I’m reminded of it every time I see myself in the mirror - scars on my right arm, in my right arm pit, alongside, under and on my breasts, in the crease between my torso and left leg. Lately I’m reminded of it because my left outer hip is usually sore and tight - likely due how radiation affected the tissues around the tumor. I’m reminded at monthly appointments for bloodwork, check-ins with my doctor and prescription pick ups from the specialty pharmacy - because you just can’t get Ibrance from CVS or Walgreens. And PET scans every three to four months certainly remind me about cancer because it’s when I know if the existing tumor is active or if new spots have shown up elsewhere in my body because that’s a real possibility with the kind of cancer I have.

I have feelings, lots of them. Sometimes I’m sad and afraid. Sometimes I’m ambivalent; other times accepting. Sometimes I’m relieved and grateful. Sometimes I’m anxious. But mad just hasn’t been one of them, seriously.

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I don’t remember a lot about how I worked my way through the project, much is a guess at this point. Most simply and logically, I must have drawn out the design on paper, used it as a template for laying out and cutting various fabrics and then stitched the pieces together. When I look closely at the shapes, angles and curves, it seems that there was no rhyme or reason.

Clearly I didn’t account for how seams would come together; I have points and corners tucked into curves and circles - it appears that I just “went for it.” I didn’t know any differently, so I marched forward most likely thinking that I’d just figure it out and make it work.

I do have a memory of visiting the local sewing store, like a Joann Fabrics where I (with Mom’s help and wallet) purchased several small pieces of fabric. I knew nothing about quilting cotton at the time, so I chose what I liked in both color and texture - blues, maroons, whites, corduroy, cotton, velvet, and flannel.

It’s entirely possible that Mrs. Bushmaker had a sewing machine in her classroom, so I may have stitched pieces of fabric during class. I also know that I spent time in Busia’s basement (my maternal grandmother’s who’s in the picture with me on my homepage) on her Singer sewing machine and on my mom’s exact same model Singer at our house with guidance from Busia and Mom along the way.

Eventually I finished piecing the top of the quilt. I wish I had taken pictures of the back of the quilt top - it’s impressive in a WOW-you’ve-got-a-lot-of-seams-going-every-which-way kind of way. But, it was stitched together, and it really didn’t matter in the end because no one would ever see that side.

I spent a lot of time with Busia for the next part because I embellished the top of the quilt with hand-stitched embroidery along all of the seams. I don’t know how, when or where Busia learned these stitches (probably from her mother who was a sewing teacher in the late 1800’s/early 1900’s).

After talking with my mom, we both agreed that Busia must have committed these embroidery stitches to memory. Neither of us remember her every consulting notes or a book to refresh her memory on how to do these stitches; she just started stitching, producing perfectly shaped and spaced fancy stitches. So so-side-by-side, she’d show me how to prep a needle with thread (how much length, how to knot), where to place the needle, how much tension to pull on the thread (not too tight/not too loose). At first my stitches were clunky and wonky, but using hers as a model, I worked to make mine look as close to Busia’s as I could.

After the decorative stitching was completed, I hand-basted a polyester batting (closest to the quilt top) and a layer of cheesecloth to the back of the quilt top.

I used muslin as my quilt backing fabric, and machine-stitched that to the top fabrics (like a pillow case - no binding). And finally, Mom showed me how to make and sew a quilt sleeve to the back of the piece so it could be hung on a wall.

This quilt, in its original form, had been with me since 1983. It’s lived with me in apartments and homes in Milwaukee, Minneapolis, The Netherlands and Houston. But almost 40 years after I made it, and by 2020 being a much more confident quilter, I decided to modernize the quilt. So with the same “just figure it out and make it work” energy I had when I was 17 years old, I started taking apart the quilt to see what I could do with it.

The quilt was easy to disassemble given how it was put together. Because the backing wasn’t quilted to the top and batting layers, a seam ripper was all I needed to remove the stitches along the four edges. And my hand-basting stitches connecting the batting/cheesecloth to the quilt top were so big, they came out in minutes. Once the quilt top was separated from the quilt sandwich, I hand-washed it and then it was ready to be re-imagined into a new wall hanging.

I decided my original quilt would become the center of the new piece. Quite simply (see pictures below), I cut the original rectangular quilt top into a square and machine-appliqued (using a blanket stitch) that square onto a piece of cream-colored quilting cotton (also a square). Next I made a quilt sandwich with the quilt top, cotton batting and the same cream-colored quilting cotton as the backing. I heavily quilted the cream section of the sandwich using my machine’s walking foot to make roughly 1/2” squares and stitched in the ditch on the original quilt piece to secure. To finish I added a binding to the edges and quilt sleeve to the back.

Et voila! The end result - it’s fresh yet honors the skills of generations before me.

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There are three drugs (Letrozole, Ibrance and Xgeva) that make up this part of my treatment. Letrozole, which I take everyday, is a hormone-suppressing drug, and because I have an estrogen-positve breast cancer that gets fuel to grow from estrogen, Letrozole decreases the estrogen available in my system. I’ve been on drugs like Letrozole in the past - Tamoxifen before menopause, Arimidex after. And because it complements Ibrance, described next, it’s why I take Letrozole.

Ibrance, is what I’d call the cancer drug because it “improves progression-free survival or the amount of time after the start of treatment the cancer does not grow substantially.” Its job was described to me like this - While Ibrance won’t make the tumor disappear, like a brake pedal on a car, it keeps its foot on the tumor so cancer growth won’t accelerate. Ibrance is administered orally in 28-day cycles, a pill a day for 21 days and then seven days of no pills. It is not considered a traditional form of chemotherapy, but is referred to as a targeted treatment/therapy.

The third drug I receive is a once-per-month-or-so injection of Xgeva. The role of this drug is to slow the overactive breakdown of bone due to busy cancer cells. It helps to keep the bone intact and run less of a risk of fracture(s) to the bone.

I mentioned earlier that I’m not doing chemotherapy this time around; instead I’m doing targeted therapy. Targeted therapy and chemotherapy are not exactly the same in the way they treat cancer. Targeted therapy treats specific parts of cancer cells affecting how they grow, divide and spread, and chemotherapy hits both cancer and healthy cells. But… if you put a list of possible side effects of targeted therapy next to possible side effects of chemotherapy, both have their share of side effects that range from mild to serious. In the end, for a person who’s experienced both types of treatment, it’s, in my opinion, a tomato/tomaaato situation.

Here’s a general breakdown of how drug treatment plays out for me. While I will not lose all my hair like I did on chemotherapy, on Ibrance/Letrozole my hair has thinned. I noticed more hair from my head coming off in my hands when I washed or styled my hair for the first few months of treatment, but thanks to a good haircut and long bangs, I’m the only one who really knows that I’ve got noticeably less hair at my temples where hair loss is most obvious. I still have eyelashes and eyebrows, and I’m glad for that - I lost those during chemotherapy. My eyelashes never did grow back to their original thickness and length after chemotherapy, but I have a full set. And it seems like my eyebrows are much less dense, so thank goodness again for bangs! They do the trick here, too, by covering my thinned eyebrows! I’ve also found products for thinning hair, eyelashes and eyebrows that I put on most days, and they seem to work to encourage hair growth.

As for the rest of my body, I don’t care so much about that. Hair has thinned or disappeared altogether - not much hair remains on my arms or trunk, and what hair I have on my legs is patchy at best. But because I can’t see without cheaters and quite frankly I don’t care all that much (or wear my cheaters in the shower), I don’t bother shaving my legs anymore. During both chemotherapy and now, I thought it was a perk of the drugs to speed up shower time by not having to grab for the razor!

Thankfully, on Ibrance, my finger and toenails are intact and continue to grow as normal - they were infected and fell off during chemotherapy. Aside from month one, I haven’t had to deal with nausea - that’s a win. I don’t remember mouth sores while on chemotherapy, but on Ibrance, I’ve had them pop up almost monthly - they’re not major, and I can manage them.

The side effect that is most bothersome is chronic fatigue. In the beginning, I would find myself pretty overwrought because I was so tired - forcing and pushing myself one day (or even one part of the day) and then cratering and crashing later. Coming to terms with this is a real challenge for me, but I’m learning to redefine my days and how I do my life. I’m more willing to let myself dose off when I feel the need. Sometimes that’s a 20-minute nap; other times it’s two, three hours of dead dog, out-for-the-count, loud snoring deep sleep. I’m aware that it’s what I need, and struggling to stay awake is just not a good look on me.

One of the most concerning and closely monitored side effects of Ibrance is low WBC counts (specifically low absolute neutrophil counts). Neutropenia is common and expected when on Ibrance, and it becomes a serious issue for patients because white blood cells are what fight infection, and if WBC counts are low, then a patient is likely to have difficulty fighting an infection, and that can be quite serious.

So as a reference - the normal absolute neutrophil range is between 1.5 and 8.0. I get my monthly blood work done on Day 1 of every 28-day cycle of Ibrance. Keep in mind that Day 1 is the day when my counts are at their highest during the cycle because I’ve just finished a week of being off of Ibrance for seven days after 21 days of being on it - and during those 21 days the counts are gradually decreasing.

The results from the blood draw serve as a guide for my new doctor, Dr. Shah (see informative and important video featuring her on Good Morning America here). Also quick side bar - you might be wondering why I haven’t mentioned Dr. Cristofanilli? He moved to the east coast shortly after he and I reconnected, he found I had a recurrence and created a treatment plan for me. He’s now out east working at Cornell.

Back on track… Dr. Shah (or on alternating appointments, Nisha - her nurse practitioner) takes a look at all the numbers of various things tested, but hones in on the absolute neutrophil count (ANC). That count can drive dosing of Ibrance suggesting it might be necessary to push pause on starting a new cycle for a week so that the count can recover a bit more. And remember the normal range of the absolute neutrophil count? Well my count historically (since being on Ibrance) hovers around 0.9/1.0 - always below the normal range - so it’s no surprise about occasional mouth sores, chronic fatigue and the need to be mindful and protective so as not to get sick.

Xgeva’s side effects are kind of on the back burner - there’s no real issues for me with the drug. There is heightened concern regarding osteonecrosis (breakdown of the jaw bone), so my dental care team take good care to be sure my teeth and jaw remain in good shape. But otherwise, not a big deal with Xgeva.

In the end, are the side effects do-able? The undercurrent of tiredness? Thinning hair? Mouth sores? The blood draws? The injections? I think so. These small but mighty drugs are fighting a battle on my behalf. And knowing this means I can and will adjust to make way for them to do their job.

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After seeing the quilt I’d made for my dad, Ethan requested a quilt for himself; one that could be used when having a picnic, hanging outside by a fire or listening to an outdoor concert. I think this quilt meets that request.

Here’s how it came together. I was charged with finding cozy fabric in colors found in nature. Woolies (cotton color wash flannel by Bonnie Sullivan for Maywood Studio) would be perfect for this!

I found this great pattern - Over & Down Under - from Folk Art Designs - also by Bonnie Sullivan.

I love that this quilt looks like it’s woven, but it’s really just a thoughtful layout of strips that wrap around the outside edge of the design and alternating squares placed in rows and columns to give the illusion of weaving.

Here I have 2 1/2" in WOF (width of fabric) strips cut into squares and small strips and then organized by color.

After the squares and strips were cut, I started “weaving” the pieces of fabric to get the desired effect and balance of color.

When I was satisfied with placement of fabric, I methodically sewed all the pieces together. And then I pressed flat a LOT of seams!!!

I finished the quilt - top, back, binding and put it on bed and came to conclusion that my 6’4” stepson might be able to sit on the quilt (it’s finished size was 56” square), but his head or legs or both would hang off the sides of the quilt. So - I took apart the quilt - removing just the binding, feeling sure I could extend all four sides so it was big enough for Ethan to enjoy!

In the first picture above, I attached a border around all four sides in the dark brown background fabric with one colored square at each corner (I think strips were about 4” wide and squares were 4”). Wasn’t satisfied. So I ripped that off and tried again. This time (second picture), I liked the effect of the corners having a 4-square block of multiple colors in each corner.

Once the border was attached, I still felt like the quilt was too small, so I added a thin multi-colored strip to the outside edge of the quilt, and then attached another wider dark brown border to that. Satisfied!!!

While the picture above is of the finished quilt, let’s pretend like it’s not done. I still needed to come up with a back for the quilt. I had a fair amount of yardage left, so I made a simple multi-colored big block backing.

With both top and back of quilt done, I made a quilt sandwich - top, batting, back and stitched all three layers together using a decorative leaf pattern found on my sewing machine. Finally, I attached a dark brown binding which included a little machine stitched quilt label. And that’s it - one cozy quilt enthusiastically given and received!

The appointment with Dr. Attar in orthopedics was rather uneventful. The bone was still very much intact - showing no sign of fracture, thus no surgical intervention needed. This meant I could get started with treatment of the tumor.

Soon after my appointment with Dr. Attar, I met with radiation oncology. As promised from Coincidences, I Think Not, Cy-Fair folks, this next part of the story may be fun for you…

As appointments go, you start out with a medical assistant. This person collects you from the waiting room, takes you to a room, checks your vitals, confirms your medications - standard stuff. After this person leaves, sometimes a nurse comes in and visits for a bit, gathers more information. At this particular appointment, a resident/intern came in to visit, learn about the me, gather history and so on before my radiation oncologist saw me to meet me and finalize my treatment plan.

Dr. Randall (resident) sat down across from me in the exam room and started chatting with me. He was polite, relaxed, friendly. He was curious to know how I ended up at Northwestern Medicine/Chicago. I told him that I was originally treated for cancer down at MDAnderson in Houston. He said he’d seen that on my records, and shared that he was from the Houston area. I asked where he was from, and at first, he responded like I’d probably not know the area. I told him that not only had I been treated in Houston, but my husband and I had lived in Houston for over 20 years, and I was very familiar with the city and surrounding suburbs.

Turns out he was from Cypress! Cypress, Texas! This cannot be! I started drilling down. I naturally assumed he’d gone to school within Cy-Fair ISD, and I was right! Turns out he graduated from CyWoods!!! And Cy-Fair people, you know what middle school feeds into CyWoods? That’s right! It’s Goodson Middle School! I was practically jumping out of my seat at this point - what are the chances?!

Barely able to contain myself, I asked, “When??? When did you go to Goodson??”

“Let’s see - 2006 to 2009,” he replied

“I canNOT believe this!!! I was your Director of Instruction when you were in middle school!!! I was working at Goodson when you were a student there!!!”

Both of our minds were blown! He recalled a few of his teachers, but I think he was drawing a blank because he, too, was stunned by our shared moment in time. We enjoyed and were amazed by the smallness of our world. I also considered the fact that here I was, asking if this was just a coincidence, and again, I decided, it was not. And now here I was sitting with Dr. James Randall, former Goodson Middle School student, and he along with Dr. Donnelly, my radiation oncologist, walked me through this phase of treatment

Radiation treatment has certainly changed since 2007. When I received radiation in the winter of 2007, I had 30 sessions (five days a week for six weeks). This time around I was scheduled for three treatments; that’s it. I couldn’t help wondering if because I would have 1/10th of the sessions I’d had in 2007, would I be getting 1/10th the radiation. The answer was no. Treatment in 2021 was more targeted and powerful, so very simplified, 3 was essentially the new 30.

Prepping for radiation was a fairly similar experience - a cradle was made for me that meant that each time I laid in it, I would lay in the exact same position. Fine tuning of the way I laid was done with three tattooed dots (as if someone took a blue ballpoint pen and made a little mark) near each hip bone and one in the center of my hips (below my waist). These dots would be reference points for lining up the beams of radiation. This was a big difference from 2007 when I had red, green and blue magic marker lines drawn all over the right side of my torso. This was kind of a challenge and a mess because I had to do my best to not wipe away the lines, and any clothing I wore was smudged red, green and blue. So three tiny tattooed dots were a big and welcome change to the process.

There was nothing to the actual radiation itself - couldn’t feel anything - an added bonus was that I wasn’t pressed between acrylic plates or contorted as I had been in 2007. And this time around, my skin was spared - no severe burning of the skin. It was a very easy, painless and quick part of 2021 cancer treatment.

Radiation was over and done so quickly, so as soon as I started, I was finishing. And as for my path crossing with Dr. Randall? He found me to say “good bye” on my last day of treatment. Turns out we were both finishing up in radiation oncology. I was on to medical oncology next, and he was starting a new rotation in a different department.

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My dad wondered if I could make a quilt for him that was super cozy - especially because he loves throwing open the bedroom windows during chilly Wisconsin winter nights. This was a fun project to do from beginning to end. And now that it’s done and delivered, I understand it’s just what Dad had hoped! So pleased!!!

Here is how this quilt came together. The project started by doing some research on available fabrics. I’d never sewn a quilt with anything but quilting cotton, so I was happy to find Woolies - a cotton flannel fabric (this by Bonnie Sullivan for Maywood Studios). It is a soft, sturdy fabric that’s quite easy to sew and quilt. It was perfect for this quilt!

Instead of cutting LOTS of 4” squares by hand, I decided to pull out my Sizzix - a die-cutting machine. Using this machine to cut fabric assured that all of the oodles of 4” squares that were incorporated into this quilt were perfectly square - making all the difference when joining pieces - straight lines and exact measurements make all the difference in the success of how the quilt comes together. For the larger squares used in the quilt, I cut those using my rotary cutter.

I don’t have any pictures of the process of laying out the colors, but I moved around the 4” and 8” squares (usually on my sewing room floor) until I was satisfied with the layout. The only rule I had for the design was to alternate an 8” square with a 4-4” square block. Once I had the blocks in the spots where I liked them best, I simply sewed the blocks into rows, and then sewed rows to each other to complete the quilt top.

For the back of the quilt, I used two larger pieces of one of the fabrics I had used in the blocks on the front and then stitched a strip of scraps to place between those to larger pieces.

I used a wool batting between the quilt top and back. I decided to simply quilt the quilt using a diagonal straight stitch (corner to corner) through the blocks.

Finally, I used the same fabric as the back fabric for the binding and attached it using a wiggling top stitch.

Because I had a fair amount of fabric remaining, I decided to whip of a couple of pillow cases to complement the quilt.

And last bit is a quilt label done by hand and stitched to back corner of the quilt.

Nothing really to write home about after this procedure. What tissue could be biopsied showed no signs of cancer (a relief), but just to be safe, going forward I would be monitored with regular CT scans. Between August of 2020 and August 2021, I had CT scans every three to four months, and each time results indicated stability - hilar lymph node remained the same size and the nodules waxed and waned in size and number.

In June of 2021, Nat and I moved from Houston to Chicago, and at some point shortly after arriving, I decided I should secure a local general practitioner at Northwestern Medicine (NW) due to proximity to where we live, a former Houston neighbor’s daughter happily practices at NM, and as a medical institution, it has a solid reputation. Nothing major to report from this August 6th appointment with my new doctor other than getting a tetanus shot in my left arm. A week later, I headed down to Houston for a recheck CT scan of my lungs. Assuming results would be same old, same old, I wasn’t feeling anxious, so when they did come in a few days later, I was a bit taken aback. Lymph nodes in my left arm pit were enlarged, and a biopsy of those nodes was recommended. Booooo!!!

How could this be? Was there a chance that the tetanus shot I had gotten a week before the CT scan might have caused the lymph nodes to be enlarged? Had cancer really come back? I wasn’t enthusiastic about hopping back on a plane, returning to MDAnderson and finding out - best case - that the lymph nodes were negative for cancer. I also considered - worst case - if the nodes were cancerous, I’d be shuttling back and forth between Chicago and Houston for on-going care. Also not a great scenario. So I decided to look to Northwestern Medicine for the recommended biopsy of the lymph nodes.

My first step in transferring healthcare up north was reaching out to a nurse navigator in the breast oncology department. While waiting to connect with her, I started looking around Northwestern Medicine’s website. Insert Elaine from Jerry Seinfeld yelling her iconic, “Get Out!" because when I pulled up the list of breast oncologists, I couldn’t believe my eyes!

There he was! Sitting there looking back at me! It was a picture of Dr. Cristofanilli, my former oncologist from MDAnderson who treated me back in 2007-08!!! How could this be? Destiny? Fate? Didn’t matter because there he was! I explained to Lynn, the nurse navigator, who he was to me, how I had lost track of him after he’d left MDAnderson in 2008, and how amazing it was that he was right in front of me on my computer screen! Lynn joined in my excitement and quickly secured an appointment for me with Dr. Cristofanilli. Almost 15 years had passed, and for someone who faced stage 3C cancer that many years ago, it’s a noteworthy number of years. It was even more meaningful to be alive and vibrant at that September 13th appointment as I waited for the man who was on the team of practitioners who saved my life back in 2007.

When Dr. Cristofanilli walked in the door of my exam room, he was as I’d remembered - kind, thoughtful, forward-thinking. After a few minutes of pleasantries, he got down to business. His approach to the next steps in figuring out the cause of the enlarged lymph nodes was deliberate and thorough. I am guessing that Dr. Cristofanilli suspected that cancer had recurred given that one of the spots it can show up is in the lymph nodes - and here I was with enlarged lymph nodes. I was scheduled for a PET scan (covering skull to thighs) the next week, and a mammogram, ultrasound and MRI a couple days after that.

The PET scan happened on a Monday, and early morning the Wednesday after, I was waiting to be called back for the first of that day’s appointments. As I was sitting by myself near a window overlooking downtown Chicago, an alert from the patient portal, MyChart, popped up on my phone screen. I knew right away that it was the results from the PET scan, so I logged in to my account and started reading.

Taking in the findings from top to bottom, the results unfolded like this. First paragraph (basically head area) - nothing - OK, fine; second paragraph (chest area) - hilar lymph node still stable and lymph nodes in left arm pit showed no cancerous activity - actually stating they were likely enlarged due to vaccine - OK, great; third paragraph (pelvis area) - nothing noted; fourth paragraph, and here’s when my heart sank… “a hypermetabolic lytic lesion in the left greater trochanter of the femur.” And a little further on, “suspicious for osseous metastasis…” It looked likely that cancer had settled into my upper left thigh bone.

It’s weird what you remember in moments like this. I remember how quiet I was; my breathing was steady. I remember texting Nat and saying that I thought I was in trouble. I talked on the phone. I remember sitting in the windowsill of the waiting area tucked away from where people periodically walked so I could quickly organize my thoughts. I reminded myself that nothing was definitive. I knew that there’d have to be more tests done to confirm - I’ve been down this road before. And on that day, the goal was to figure out what was going on with the lymph nodes. So one thing at a time…

The mammogram with ultrasound took a bit of time because I had more images taken than a normal yearly appointment - but not a big deal as far as appointments are concerned. The same was true for the ultrasound. In fact, I remember a doctor stopping in to see how things were going. She felt sure the lymph nodes in my arm pit were enlarged because of the tetanus shot I’d had before the CT scan. She also commented that now they needed to figure out what was going on in my thigh bone. Later that day I had an MRI - also not a big deal, except for the noise - the machine is loud!!

The lymph node biopsy the following week was a different story. I’m sure that past memories and the PET scan results collided during this procedure because I remember thinking that I couldn’t believe I was going through this again. Granted - it was difficult to get a core needle to a lymph node, and when it was finally reached, despite numbing medicine, the biopsy was sharp and biting. Tears fell from my eyes, and the team around me noticed it. They apologized for discomfort and reassured me that they were almost done, but what they didn’t know was it wasn’t just about the physical pain I was feeling. I was sad for a lot more than that. I was sad because I’d ever gotten cancer in the first place. I was sad because I didn’t want to hurt again, I didn’t want to be medicated again, I didn’t want to be a regular at the hospital again. I didn’t want to be thrust back to doing cancer again.

At the end of all the appointments Dr. Cristofanilli had ordered, the lymph node biopsy, PET scan, ultrasound and mammogram confirmed that there was no cancer in the lymph nodes or chest area - which is good news. But because the PET scan also lit up my upper left thigh bone, I ended up having to have a bone biopsy in November of 2021, and that, along with a liquid biopsy (blood work that showed tumor cells floating around) confirmed that my original 2007 breast cancer had metastasized to the bone. And this was/is not good news.

While I’m less than thrilled that I have metastatic breast cancer, I still marvel at how things unfolded for me from July to November of 2021 from choosing a GP based within Northwestern Medicine, to deciding to cancel my appointment in Houston and have the CT scan in Chicago, to pulling up NM’s breast oncology website and discovering Dr. Cristofanilli. I believe that things happened just as they were intended. Coincidences? I don’t think so.

A final note - as I moved into the next phase of care, there’s one more (little non-coincidence) moment that happened during the initial treatment of my tumor that I’ll save for another post. Cy-Fair friends - this will be a extra special for you!!!

Lisa

Share Popcorn and Patchouli

By the time I stopped posting Carepages health updates back in 2010, I was consciously trying to think less about cancer. I really took to heart the nugget a chemotherapy nurse said back in 2007, paraphrasing - “Cancer doesn’t make up all of you; it’s only a part of your story. You’re so much more that this disease.” So I’ve tried to step away from cancer as much as I’ve been able over the years, but the truth is, at times, it’s challenging.

When sifting through my calendar and looking over my health records, I see that a lot of my time and energy has been devoted to cancer-related surgeries (hysterectomy, breast reconstructions, lymph channel bypass, lymph node transfer), serious infections (three hospitalizations for cellulitis in my right arm - the arm with chronic lymphedema), procedures (biopsies, bronchoscopy, ultrasounds, x-rays, CT scans, MRIs, PET scans), scares (uterine bleeding, nodules on lungs, enlarged lymph nodes), therapies (physical therapy, lymphatic drainage, acupuncture, massage, Reiki, yoga) and so on.

Despite this checkered health history, I’ve been determined to figure out how I was going to move forward, balance my ebbing and flowing energy, nurture my creativity, and stay engaged in life. Some of the highlights include traveling in and out of the country; organizing for friends, family and eventually clients; witnessing Ethan (my stepson) grow into a beautiful, happy and thriving adult (he’s pursuing a degree in education - and I believe he’s found his true passion). I’ve spent precious time with family and friends. We majorly renovated our Houston home twice (once because we wanted to, and another time because Hurricane Harvey caused us to). I fell head over heels in love with quilting (posts and pictures to come). I remain a doting guardian to between three and five cats - four at the present moment. We sold our Houston home during the pandemic and moved to Chicago and dove right into renovating our home here. I’m glad that I’ve put down in words a bit of what I’ve been up to - it’s good to be reminded that much of my time and energy has, indeed, been devoted to non-cancer related stuff. It feels quite satisfying.

Along the way, I’ve thought a lot about my original Carepages, and what I wanted to do with them. I eventually decided to post them on this platform (they’re backdated if you’d like to read them - the beginning is April 5, 2007). They are there as a record of a difficult time in my life. As hard as it was to push through that time, I was uplifted and remained so because of my family and friends - you’ll see evidence of that in their comments - one of the many ways I felt supported. To this day, I am grateful.

I’m not sure if I’m back to posting now because I want to pick up with the next part of my story, to share my quilts, pictures of my cats, rally the troops or simply stay in touch. Whatever the reason, because my heath is what kicked off my Carepages posts 15 years ago, I’ll make that my next post.

Lisa

Share Popcorn and Patchouli

This photo shows me during Christmas 1967 with my maternal grandmother (a.k.a. Busia). I don’t know if I’m giving or receiving a gift from Busia, but clearly, we were sharing a moment together. I love this picture because it embodies the spirit of Popcorn and Patchouli – Sharing What I Love.

It was from Busia that I learned how to make the BEST popcorn (in a 1950’s Revereware pressure cooker on the stove), and it is, as a result, my absolute favorite go-to, comfort, default food. Because popcorn is such a critical food in my diet, it just wouldn’t make sense for it to be excluded from star billing.

Patchouli (pu CHOO lee) oil is a scent that I discovered sitting in a tiny amber bottle on top of my mom’s dresser back when it, flower-power and peace = hippy (a.k.a. the early 1970’s). Wearing too much patchouli oil overwhelms the senses, but when worn subtly, like the way my mom did, its fragrance grabs one’s attention with hints of earth, moss and mint.

I fell in love with patchouli oil not just because of the aroma but because of what it represents to me. The oil is full-bodied, stable and warm, and that’s what I, as a daughter, knew about my parents’ love for me. The oil connected me then – when I could still sit on my mom’s lap and now – some 50 years later – to feelings of balance, stability, warmth.

Popcorn and patchouli serve as mainstays in my life, my family, my memories, my experiences, and now seem fitting as the name of this endeavor.

What will you find here?

LIVING WITH CANCER: “You have breast cancer.” Yep, that’s what I heard after I followed doctor’s orders to get my first mammogram at age 40. It’s a good thing I did what I was told because that mammogram turned out to be the most important mammogram I would ever get. I believe it saved my life.

If you click on LIVING WITH CANCER, you’ll find my Carepages posts and followers’ comments from 2007, as well as more current posts related to my latest experience with breast cancer recurrence (discovered in 2021). You will get a greater sense of who I am, what I’ve gone through, or you may find my experience helpful in your own life.

SEW WONDERFUL: I’ve sewn on and off since I was in elementary school. Both Mom and Busia taught me how to sew. Elastic waistband shorts and pants, patchwork purses, and attempts at a shirt or two with sleeves were among my early sewing projects. I even designed and sewed an art quilt that won a ribbon in my high school art show and was featured at our small-town mall as a result.

From elementary school forward, I’ve dabbled in and been attracted to a number of thread and fabric techniques – quilting, macrame, crochet, knitting, weaving, needlepoint, rug hooking, punch needle and cross stitch. In the last few years, I’ve invested more time and energy in exercising my right brain. And because there are so many beautiful and interesting opportunities that have fallen in my path, I’ve ended up with scads of UFOs (UnFinished Objects). In SEW WONDERFUL I’ll share projects and ideas that have my attention at the moment.

CREATURE COMPASSION: I have a rich and colorful fantasy about adopting every homeless animal in the world and living with them on bunches and bunches of bucolic acreage. Because I haven’t figured out the logistics of this dream (yet), I strive to create a microcosm of this idea in our home. I may go a bit (my husband might use another adjective here) overboard or turn a blind eye when it comes to the animals that share our home (I “swear” they don’t normally jump on the kitchen counter!!!), but I sleep better at night knowing that I’ve done my best by them.

My penchant for taking in those in need of shelter resulted in a “formal” agreement with my husband limiting the number of creatures we have in our home at one time. The official number is four – but according to Nat – we use “marriage math” because we ended up with five cats for a year or so since the agreement, and in 2018 we had four cats and two dogs living in our home. CREATURE COMPASSION is mostly about posting lots of pictures of my cats but features other animal-friendly info, too.

When I started quilting back in 2011, I didn’t have a fabric stash. So I began collecting fabric at in-person quilt shops, online shops, at classes and retreats. But instead of using my fabric right away to sew patterns into quilts, I just kept buying fat quarters, half yards, precuts and yardage. When it came time to pack up my sewing room to move from Houston to Chicago in June of 2021, I was confronted with reality - I had amassed a fairly impressive stash of quilting fabric!!

In our new place in Chicago, my sewing room is quite different from my sewing room in Houston - a lot more open shelving and less cupboards and drawers. This means that I see ALL my fabric any time I’m in my sewing room or walking by it. And while I love the array of colors and patterns of my collection, I have a lot of fabric - so there’s really no need to continue adding to my stash (unless I cannot simply resist!).

That’s when I decided to challenge myself - use up, sew up, quilt up the fabric I have instead of buying more fabric. But I wanted to make quilts that were easy, fun and fast. So I turned to YouTube, specifically one of my favorite quilters/YouTubers, Karen Brown from Just Get It Done Quilts. She has so many useful tips for quilting, organizing, approaching projects and she’s so reasonable and friendly. And sure enough, when I went to her YouTube channel and searched her videos, she had some quick and easy Stash Buster videos.

Here are pictures from my first Stash Buster quilt that I made following one of Karen’s videos (The link for this tutorial is here: Quilt-In-A-Day Stash Buster). I used up eight-ish fat quarters and some yardage in the span of about three days (I took breaks rather than trying to complete the entire project in one day like Karen Brown does in her video).

Layout of quilt blocks before stitching them together.

Closeup of binding

Completed quilt front view. I pulled yardage from my stash for two coordinating borders. I machine quilted the quilt sandwich with simple wavy lines on my domestic sewing machine.

Back of quilt using up remaining quilt blocks, extra fabric from fat quarters that weren’t used for quilt blocks, extra border fabric and coordinating backing fabric - also from my stash. I’m very pleased with the final result and am feeling great about making a dent in my stash! Onto the next Stash Buster!!!

When I go home to my mom and dad's in Wisconsin, I try to make time to run up to a sweet quilt shop about 20 miles from them in Plover, called Antoinette's Quilt Shop.  Walking into the shop, on the wall behind the cutting table, I noticed the cutest Halloween quilt displayed.  Hanging there was a quilt designed by Nora Stransky using fabric from "Costume Maker's Ball" by J. Wecker Frisch for Riley Blake Designs.  A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!!  I instantly knew I'd be leaving with the pattern and fabric with the recipient already in mind.  Aside from her birthday, the second most favorite holiday of my sister, Kelly's, is Halloween.  I was SURE she'd be excited to have this for trick-or-treat season!!!  

Once I had collected the fabric for the top of the quilt, I wanted to grab fabric for the back, too.  While admiring the Costume Maker's Ball quilt, I'd struck up a conversation with a store clerk.  She brought out a different Halloween-themed quilt top she had just completed using "Gone Batty" by Lorilynn Simms for Wilmington Prints in a quilt pattern called "Social Climber" by Villa Rosa Designs. 

It’s been a year since I last posted to my Carepages – which is a good sign. I’m well into my third year of being cancer-free and am gearing up to walk in my fourth consecutive Houston Komen Race for the Cure!!!

Over this past year, I’ve learned that even after treatment concludes, learning to live beyond it can be challenging.

In my case, I know that a recurrence is always a possibility. In December of 2009 the quarterly blood test I was getting showed a more than normal level in breast-cancer specific antigens. X-rays and a PET scan followed, and before I knew it, I got a phone call from oncology telling me that a spot was found on my right lung. Luckily, it was determined that no malignancy was present, and from here on out, the not-so-reliable blood test is something I will no longer endure.

I know that I am also at an increased risk of developing uterine/endometrial cancer because I’m taking Tamoxifen (which I take to prevent a breast cancer recurrence). Between last August and this past March, I’ve had three uterine biopsies due to irregular spotting – a possible sign that cancer is present. Luckily, there's no cancer, and because I’m still young, it appears that my body is instead trying to “right” itself and shift back to a pre- menopausal state.

Additionally, I realize that the emotional post-cancer landscape is sprinkled with hills and valleys. To fully recuperate and recover from all that I had been through, I decided – with tremendous personal and professional support – to resign this past December from my job.

As much as I tried, I could not shake constant fatigue – which I believe was due to the fact that I was carrying unclaimed baggage from my experience with cancer. While I was quite transparent and forthcoming during the peak times of my diagnosis and treatment, I realize now that I was more detached from what I was going through than I thought. I believe that because I was thrust so quickly into the midst of cancer, I did what was needed to get through it – I was in survival mode. Clearly, there were times in the first year when I was surprised or scared or overwhelmed, but those moments were just that – brief blips on the radar that were overshadowed by the need to get through the cancer-treatment itinerary.

Over the last several months, I’ve been working hard at figuring out ALL my feelings about having had cancer and about what it all means to me. As I lay in savasana pose (which ironically translates to corpse or death pose) in yoga classes, I’ve dissolved into tears. I later learned that it’s entirely possible that my body is working through emotions that have been harbored in my body.

Before falling asleep one night a few months ago, suddenly I was saying to myself, “Holy S#@t, my body’s been through a lot!!!” It was as if at that very moment, I finally really “got” that surgery, chemo, radiation, etc. had wreaked havoc on my body.

More often than not, I find myself in conflict. I am irritated that for the rest of my life I will have to be mindful of my right arm so as not to cause unnecessary (and unwanted) swelling due to lymphedema (from lymph node dissection). In the same breath though, I consider the alternative and then count my lucky stars.

I feel sad that Nat and I were thrust into dealing with a catastrophic illness so early in our marriage. On the other hand, Nat and I know each other in ways I could not have predicted. We quickly attained a level of trust that is treasured.

Sometimes I find myself in “pusher” mode – pulled up by the bootstraps, dusted off and reminded that I can do anything, “Heck, I survived cancer!” Other times my nurturer steps forward and comforts me – especially when I feel grief-stricken, sad or uncomfortable.

I know that there’s more to surviving cancer than getting through the initial treatment and recovery. It’s about creating a new “normal,” putting the whole experience into perspective and taking time to heal.

I wish I could be convinced that I will never have a cancer do-over, but until a cure for this disease is found, I know there’s always a possibility.

Your continued support means a great deal to me. Lisa

-MESSAGES-

Lisa you are a special woman. L. B.

I am thanking God that you remain cancer free! Since your bout with cancer, I was diagnosed with breast lymphoma...went through chemo and radiation...lost my hair and all that "fun" stuff. :-) I, too, found out that I did not REALLY deal with the cancer until later. I am thrilled to remain cancer free however....nearly two years! Am happy to see that you are doing the Komen Race for the Cure. I did the cancer walk in Wisconsin Rapids for years before my actual diagnosis, but now it has even more meaning for me! God Bless...J. H.

How wonderful to hear from you! I am so glad to hear that you remain cancer free - God really does hear and answer our prayers! Continue to take care of yourself. Life is a journey and the way to go forward is one step at a time. Continued love and prayers are coming your way! Love ya! M.

I think of you so often, Lisa...especially during my time up north this summer in Iowa and Michigan :) Love ya, M.

Great recap of the year. You are so amazing... and you write SO well.. xxxxxx plr

You are a wonderful, open, brave lady. I read every word you wrote, and found it so thoughtful, gracious, honest. Well, I like that you are getting on with the task of living with *and* living past. I am glad you're practicing yoga, and glad to hear from you. Let me know when next you are in AA -- a coffee or a lunch or a something. Meantime, walk happy this 4th time around... you've earned it and then some. Love, m.

Hi there Dear Girl: It is so nice to hear from you. Glad to hear you are doing the Komen again. I am glad you feel that great. I am glad for your update. You are and have been in my prayers and I will continue to keep you there and any word from you will be so welcome. > This weekend they have a big Komen race in Wausau. I am sure it will make a big difference. You do such good work!!!! Take care of yourself and hope to see you sometime soon!!! Lots of Love and Prayers!!! A.S. (and U.JR too!!!)

I would like to taking writing classes from you! Thank you for you for letting us into your life in such a beautiful way. It is great to hear you are cancer free! A year after I had a baby pass away, I too broke down in a yoga class. What a humbling experience to say the least. It is so strange how our bodies store the grief that we cannot handle. Please also send our love to Nat and E. Love, S., J., L., M. and K.

I love my sister!!!

You are special. Dad

You are an amazing woman, Lisa. During this recuperative stage of learning about yourself, do consider writing a book regarding these experiences - in fact several books broken up in these various phases. They would not only help you heal, but definitely would allow other people going through similar stages to understand that they are not alone. Love you, D.

Lisa you are a brave and wonderful role model for cancer survivors and their families, thanks so much for you honest comments with love from M. and T.(cancer survivor)

Beautifully done ----- beautiful you!!! Mom

How I admire your wisdom and spirit. It's so good to know you are doing well, even with the continuing challenges of fatigue and coming to grips with what you have gone through with this illness. We are so happy to support you in your walk for the cure. Sending love, j. and k.

Hi Lisa. I am in tears reading this journal entry. You have summed up everything I've been feeling over the past couple of months with my breast cancer. I wish you continued health and happiness and most of all STRENGTH. Hopefully my final treatment will be January 2011 when I complete my Herceptin. My follow-up mammo from all of this is 12/1 the same day I was diagnosed last year. If all is ok, I am getting on the phone to plan our trip to Disney World that we had to cancel last year. Hugs to you and take care. S. G.

Share Popcorn and Patchouli

Kelly and I walked this past Saturday’s 2008 Komen Houston Race for the Cure. What a difference a year has made for me.

Last year at this time, I was in the midst of breast cancer treatment. By October 2007’s Race for the Cure, I was well into chemotherapy (round three of FEC to be exact). I received treatment the Friday night before the Race and was lucky enough to side effect free on the morning of Race Day. With the amazing support of Team Millenbah and all of you, I walked and finished the 5K.

A year’s passed, and the 2008 Race for the Cure came under a different set of circumstances. The Tuesday before Race Day, I went in for another three-month visit at MD Anderson. My early morning appointment included an ultrasound of the right breast, the area where lymph nodes were removed, right side of my neck and the area between the breasts. ALL CLEAR!!! Afterwards, I had my blood drawn and analyzed. By 2:00 that afternoon, I was smiling with Nat and Dr. Cristofanilli after hearing that my blood work came back ALL CLEAR!!!

Kelly flew into town on Friday evening to walk with me on race day. Saturday morning we were up and out of the house by 6:30 and down to the event by 7:15. I’m glad we arrived early enough to watch the crowd build. By 8:50, Kelly and I started off among some 30,000 other participants. Even given that this past Saturday welcomed the largest turn out ever for a Houston Race for the Cure, I could not help but notice that the overall tone of the event was rather quiet (at least that was my impression). Of course there were many who smiled, laughed and celebrated, but there seemed to be an undercurrent of seriousness.

Could it be that the race against breast cancer has not yet been won? Could it be because there were survivors, like me, who were happy, grateful and relieved to BE at the race, and we were quietly thanking whoever needed to be thanked for our good health? Could it be that there were some determined to walk the event even though they were still in treatment and they were using whatever energy they had to make it to the finish line? Or could it be that others were quietly reflecting as they participated in memory of a mother, sister or wife?

I walked down the Survivor’s Lane at the finish line glad to be strong, healthy and alive. I am proud of my accomplishments - for finishing Saturday’s Race for the Cure and making my way through the rigors of breast cancer and its treatment.

Lots of love, Lisa

-MESSAGES-

I'm proud of you girl. I know the race you have run over the past months has been the most important in your life so far. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!! I always knew you had a lot of spunk. Well done! Always know even though I haven't seen you for quite some time, you are so very present in my prayers. Love always, M. H.

Hurray! What a difference a year makes! Too bad that Nat couldn't celebrate with you and was home with a case of the awful awfuls! Congratulations, love to you both Prue and Ami

I am so proud of you! You are an inspiration to so many :)

Lisa, thanks for being such an inspiration. You Go Girl!

Your message made me cry.....with joy.... for your blessings!!

You need to write a book as you are an inspiration to all. Great news! D. T.

Dearest Lisa I am so thrilled for you and your family. You look beautiful and I'm assuming feel as good as you look. Wait until another year goes by and you feel even better than now. You put up with hell to get here. Bravo to you, your family & friends and your doctors. Love, E.

Dear Lisa, Kelly and All: So happy to hear from you again. We are so happy that all is going so well for you and this year you could do the race with a much lighter heart. Keep up the great attitude and we hope there are many, many more years of participation for you. Take care and it was so nice to see you this past Summer--you looked wonderful---hope to run into you again soon----Holidays are coming!! Our love and prayers to you!! A. S.

Your voice rings so clearly through your writing, and your joy and reflective questions bring tears to my eyes too. You have to write a book!

Dear Lisa I just wanted you to know I have followed your journals all through your illness and I cannot express how you touched me with your courage, strength and wisdom. Your faith in yourself and the medical staff was amazing. Your experience with cancer was a lesson in life. No one will be able to stand in your way ever because you are an amazing strong, gracious lady. You allowed us the chance to share your pain and showed us how to stand up in the mist of adversity . I am glad I finally took the time to write to express my feeling. May God's blessings continue to flow upon you. K. B.

We're proud of you too!!!!! Much Love, P. W.

Share Popcorn and Patchouli

At the end of May, I had my LAST Zometa infusion, so today I went down to M.D. Anderson for another milestone visit; I got my port-a-cath removed!!!

I chose to be fully conscious for my port removal given that the procedure would be relatively quick and uncomplicated. I asked if I could watch the surgery, but my request was denied. Fortunately the physician’s assistant who did my procedure was good about talking me through everything she was doing.

Knowing that I’d be getting a few shots of Lidocaine prior to port removal and being very tired of needle sticks, I pre-empted the pain of the Lidocaine shots with a slathering of Emla (Lidocaine) cream. I’m glad I numbed my skin beforehand because I barely felt the shots. Once all the numbing was done, the spot where the port was initially placed was opened with a scalpel. A cauterizing wand was used to further open the area while it stopped blood vessels from leaking. Every so often, I’d get a whiff of burning skin/flesh, or I’d feel a twinge of pain or heat, but the smell quickly dissipated and pain was attended to with additional Lidocaine shots.

Within a few minutes after being opened up, I felt a tug and the catheter was pulled out of my vein. Pressure was applied to the area for a few minutes to stop any bleeding. After the catheter (a five inch long, thin, white tube) was out, the sutures that held the port in place were snipped. More tugging, more pressure, and in no time I gave birth to a thumb-sized port! Lastly a number of stitches closed me up, steri-strips were applied, and finally a pressure bandage was placed over the surgical site.

Thinking back on the day, I walked into today’s appointment only mildly excited. After all, my port was never a real intrusion in my day-to-day activities, so I didn’t think I would miss or notice the port being gone. I was, however, far more emotional than I expected after my port was taken out. It dawned on me that today really marked the end of a long, hard road.

I’ve encountered a life-threatening disease, marched into the thick of it and come out the other side alive and healthy. My life now is certainly more precious to me than before cancer. Of course I think about the possibility of recurrence from time to time, but I’ve already decided that I would, in a heartbeat, go through everything (surgery, chemo, radiation) again, given how life feels after cancer.

Throughout these last 15 or so months, I’ve thought a lot about what cancer means to me. It’s definitely scared me, saddened me and inconvenienced me. More than anything though I’ve reaped many, many gifts as a result of my cancer experience. My life is richer, fuller and happier. I’ve found that I’m a lot tougher than I ever imagined. I’ve learned greater patience with myself, and this once I-can-do-it-all-myself person has learned to receive help from others.

I knew from the beginning it was important for me to put my thoughts and experiences down in writing as a way to process what I was going through. It was also important for me to be talk, laugh and cry about having breast cancer. As a result, new relationships have formed and existing relationships have deepened. My life has been touched, encouraged and enriched by all of you. Notes, phone calls and hugs helped me remember that I was not alone through this experience. Thank you for being a part of my journey!

Lots of love, Lisa

-MESSAGES-

Wonderful Lisa: I am so happy for you. You have such a wonderful outlook. Know you will get to see your folks soon. Have a wonderful visit. Hope I get to see you when you come here. Take care and God Bless. Love, A.J.

Congratulations! Hey Lisa! Way to go! It made my morning to read your last update on getting your port removed :) I'm very happy for you - you are a real trooper.

Maybe we'll see each other in October. B. has been on me about signing us up for the next Race for the Cure in Houston since his sister got to do it:) God bless you, E. <><

What a Trip!
It certainly has been a long and winding road to this point in your life and I am so happy that you have shared the trip with all of us ! Love and hugs and happy dances -D.

Long journey Lisa You have travelled this long, 15-month road with such courage, dignity and grace! We have all learned from you. Thank you for being so open about your experiences and thoughts. Your postings have been a gift to all of us privileged to share them.
Love to you and Nat,
j. (Ann Arbor)

You are strong Lisa, We haven't met yet but I hope we will someday. In the event that cancer touches my life, I will remember your journey and the positive way you traveled it. It is so good to hear that you have grown happier and enjoy life even more now. Congratulations - J.

WONDERFUL NEWS!!! DEAR LISA AND FAMILY: HURRAH, HURRAH FOR THE GREAT NEWS!!! I AM THANKING THE GOOD LORD FOR ALL YOUR BLESSINGS AND WE ARE ALL SO VERY HAPPY TO HEAR THIS NEWS. THINGS ARE LOOKING SO WONDERFUL AND WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS UPDATE FOR A LONG TIME. KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE KEPT IN OUR PRAYERS AND WE THINK OF YOU OFTEN. HOPE TO RUN INTO YOU AROUND OUR NECK OF THE WOODS SOMEDAY SOON!!! TAKE CARE AND ENJOY YOUR WONDERFUL LIFE!!!! LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS, S., J., M. AND D., TOO!!!!

Yeah! I am glad to hear that you are done with everything. It's always good to hear from you. Take care and stay in touch a well! Love ya, L.

Thank-you! Bravo Lisa! Thanks you for the effort of journaling your experience and sharing it with us. Our lives are richer for it. Many of us will draw on your experience when we need it. You are one courageous lady. I love your "look it straight in the eye" approach and your honesty. Thank you. Blessings. B. K.

You are a gift! I was out of town for a few days getting some R&R, and I kept thinking that I needed to call you when I got back. How delighted I was to see a posting from you! I have a lump in my throat from reading it! You are such a special person. You have moved me from your first posting to this posting, and every one in between. While I was out of town, I was thinking about how it was a little over a year ago that you, Kelly and I went to Round Top. I finally deleted those pictures out of my camera about 2 weeks ago. Every time I turned my camera on and used it, I always had a reminder of the strongest woman I know! Hugs to you and the family! M.

Go Girl Hey Lisa, it just seems like yesterday that this journey began. I am so happy for you and all that you have done. My aunt was recently diagnosed with breast cancer so I will be doing the walk again for both of you. I have told her about you several times. We are going to the beach next week for a reunion so I will have my laptop and find some free WiFi and let her read your logs. I still think you have the right to play your BC card and use your "Cancer Sucks" motto anytime. Don't worry, I will be up at GMS for some good laughs before school starts next Aug. Take care.

Bravo! Bravo, Lisa!!! And you have enriched our lives throughout. Thank you and stay well. Love, J.

Here is to you! And congratulations on another milestone. Your attitude throughout has been remarkable, your insights enlightening. I am so happy this is behind you, your port removal being the last step. Onward! love, K. N.

Dear Lisa Bravo and Hurrah! The port being removed is a tremendous step and your courage has been enlightening. I'm so proud of you and how you've endured and handled this darn cancer throughout the entire period. It is time for you to celebrate and enjoy your life, family and your future. May you have some time off from work and just enjoy. Love you, D.

You go girl! So glad to hear the good news. Your determination has paid off. With affection, B. and N.

Congratulations! I know getting that port out is a HUGE milestone! You are an inspiration to me.

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More good news!!! Last week Wednesday, I went in for my first mammogram since just about this time last year. After many, many slides taken of each breast, results came back and showed NO suspicious masses or calcifications. ALL CLEAR!

Shortly after my mammogram appointment, I met with Dr. Meric (my surgical oncologist) for a one-year follow up. She was happy with my recovery. I asked about my range of motion in my right arm. She had me raise my arm above my head, out to the side and stretched back as far as I could. Then she said, “Unless you’re planning on pursuing a career where you’ll need to flap your arms, I don’t think you need to be worried about your range of motion.” Seriously though, she recognized that my range of motion was excellent given the extent of the surgery I had undergone. She also let me know that I would probably always have slightly less range of motion in my right arm than my left.

After meeting with Dr. Meric, I met with my nutritionist, Danielle. I have been very frustrated with the amount of weight I’ve gained over the past year, so that was a big topic of conversation. I walked her through a typical day of food intake, explained that I was having a very difficult time exercising because by the end of the day, I’m pretty wiped out and shared that I had developed a sweet tooth like I’d never had before.

I didn’t need any new tools or diets from Danielle, but I hoped that she might be able to offer some insight into my body’s reaction to cancer treatment – surgery, chemotherapy drugs, radiation, Tamoxifen. Danielle validated my feelings of frustration with my change in weight and mentioned that she had worked with lots of other breast cancer patients who struggled with weight gain (it’s typical for breast cancer patients), craved sweets (probably the body looking for an energy boost due to fatigue) and experienced more pronounced fatigue. She encouraged a slow and steady approach and confirmed that I was headed in the right direction - I am tracking what I eat and am looking at ways to incorporate gentle exercise into my schedule.

The next day, I went in for a three-month follow up with Dr. Terrefe (my radiation oncologist). Dr. Terrefe was pleased with the results of my mammogram, the condition of my skin and my range of motion. She, too, was very satisfied with my recovery so far.

Tonight I finished up my 5th Zometa infusion, and won’t have to make my way back down to MDAnderson until the end of May – for my 6th and final Zometa treatment.

All in all, things are moving in the right direction for me, and that makes me very happy.

Lots of love to all – Lisa

-MESSAGES-

Great News Lisa!!! Kathy and I are both so pleased with your latest checkup. I talked to your dad last week and he said that you were heading over to Michigan to participate in a 5-K with Kelly. We are so happy for you and the progress that you have made. You are one tough cookie!! P. & K. M.

Two words...Red Meat!!!! That's what you need more of!!!! Just kidding! I'm so excited for you! Sounds like you guys are due for a big celebration! One year down and another hundred to go! Hugs!!!!

Woo hoo! Lisa I am so glad! I think of you and Nat often. It must be so nice to return to some sort of normalcy in your life (...although I'm not sure how normal you two ever were :) I hope to see you both soon. Love, G.

Way to Go! You're an amazing woman who has handled a really difficult situation with an incredible amount of dignity and grace. I am so proud to know you and call you my friend!

Great News! I am so glad to hear the update, I was thinking about you just yesterday. I am very happy that you are doing so well. Love, L.

Wonderful! Great news! Happy to read of your continued progress. Here's to a delightful, stress free summer. All my best, B.

One and counting! I am pleased to hear of your successful anniversary!!! And as far as the weight gain at least you have an excuse...ha! ha! Seriously, I hope you are doing well. I think of you often and wish the best for you and your family!

Hooray Dear Lise: So happy to hear the news about your progress. Think of you often. Saw the pictures from the race in Lansing and thought everyone looked great. Keep up the good work. Love, A. J.

Go Lisa!
G. and I are so happy that you're feeling better.

Hello I am so glad that you are doing better. You’re better and your BEST days are coming as well. S.

Wonderful news. Lisa, So glad to hear the good news and the "All Clear" declaration. What a journey this has been--and what an inspiration you have been to all of us who have followed along with you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feeling along the way. With hugs from one of your Ann Arbor fan club, j. l.

What great news! What wonderful news. Doesn't get much better than that! You are a walking inspiration to all who come in contact with you. Knowing you has made me a better person. Congratulations on your fight! Love, M. and C.

Wonderful news, Lisa!!!! Dear Lisa and Family, I was so pleased to get the message you had an update and such super news too. You have been and will be on my "List" and we will keep you there for a long time. Keep up the good work and hope to hear from you again soon....LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS, S., J., M. and D.----PS. try not to get too skinny!!! You have to have a little cushion, you know!!

Way to Go!! Lisa, the L./H. cousins are so thrilled for you that you have come out of this annus horribilis so well. We hope we will see you at Jon's wedding to forge new memories and move ahead and give you huge hugs of love. B. and L. H.

Great News! You are doing all the right things, Lisa. Exercise, proper eating, consulting with professionals. . . No wonder you had a clean scan! This is such terrific news. . . Hugs to you, C.

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I have news from my first three-month visit with my medical oncologist!!! The blood tests done yesterday indicate there is no cancer activity going on in my body. As best as I understand, these tests show the level of certain proteins (a.k.a tumor markers) in the blood. When there is an active tumor in the body, the tumor marker level elevates above normal; whereas a decreased tumor marker level indicates no cancer activity is likely. Since last August, my tumor markers have been steadily decreasing – which means today’s visit was a RELIEF!!!

So, I’ll continue a daily dose of Tamoxifen (an estrogen blocker) for the next five years and have only three more Zometa infusions. There should be no more interventions – other than Tamoxifen - unless my next three-month visit indicates an upward trend with my tumor markers.

I’m glad today’s appointment was positive. This means that I can continue on my present course of recapturing myself. My body has been through Hell, and I’m determined to feel like me again. I’m thrilled that I have the energy to make my way to the gym on a regular basis. With each step I take on the treadmill, I imagine I am that much farther away from cancer. And as a result, I feel stronger, steadier and more in control.

All in all, I feel pretty content.

Love, Lisa

-MESSAGES-

Happy Dance!!! Girl!!!!! I'm doing the happy dance right now in your honor. Since you can't see it, I'll send a few happy marks your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hugs!!!!

Good to hear the news!!!! I'm lovin' it for ya!!! So happy to hear you are on the road to recovery!! lots of smiles:) love you, M.

walking You keep walking away from it child; just keep going in the direction you want. Happy for the news and joyful that you are beginning to feel yourself. T. joins me in sending our love. L.

Exercise is the best medicine! Speaking as someone who has exercised for 33 years, I am a firm believer in its many benefits. Good for you. . . for walking away from cancer. . . and understanding and taking advantage of the benefits of exercise on the body *and* the mind. Your news is the best, Lisa! C. (friend of Prue's)

Wonderful Lisa: I am so happy for you . You made my day . Not too often I hear good news. Keep up the good work. GOD BLESS. Hi Nat. Love, A. J.

Great news Thank you for keeping us updated on your progress. This is indeed very good news. Love to you three. M. & E.

Super news! What fantastic news! I know you are relieved and ready to embrace the rest of your life! I will continue prayers and well wishes, thank you God!

Such good news! What a relief for you, and congratulations! So glad to hear of your clean check-up and returning strength. Love & best wishes from (Nat's cousin) L. in Boston

Lisa Outstanding news! D. T.

Great news I look forward to seeing you in the gym and getting in the zone.

We Celebrate with You What wonderful news! Thanks for the Carepages update. We celebrate with you and are so happy to know that you are on the way to feeling well again! Love, A. A. and U. J.

Congratulations! What GREAT news! We are so happy for you and your family! Love S., J., L., K. and M. T. P.S. We hope to see you at Target again soon!

Hurrah Congratulations. What a great belated birthday gift this message is for Nat! We admire your spirit.

Lisa, Glad to get to you again!!!! Dear Lisa and All, I am so sorry I have not been in contact with you for such a long time....then my computer got sick and I finally got it back with new things to learn. Before this thing got infected, I could not log onto your Carepages for the life of me. It just would not let me in, even with all the correct information. I was getting very frustrated. Emailed Carepages, asking for my log-in data and I was doing it right, but still no entry. I got a new up-date message on my email and Lo and Behold.....here I am again....FINALLY. I had to go back to Oct. to catch up on all your updates....so sorry about all you've had to endure. Even if I didn't get a card off to you, I was still saying the "big ones" for you and all your family. You will be a permanent one on my "list" and I am so pleased that things are looking up for you. Keep plugging along and pretty soon you will be whizzing along, just like your old self. Hope you will be able to travel and maybe pay us a visit sometime....??? Would love to see you!!! Know you will always be in my prayers and we WILL keep that old cancer at bay. Take care of yourself!! Lots of Love and Prayers, A. S. and U. J., too!!

WooHoo I am so glad to hear that everything is good and you are feeling great! It's an awesome feeling to feel like you again. I hope it keeps getting even better. Love, L.

Woohoo! Glad to hear you are at the end of the tunnel and can see the light! Keep up the good work.

SUCH GREAT NEWS!!!!! So happy about this wonderful news. This latest update truly brightens the life of a dispirited New Yorker, otherwise morose and disgusted by the behavior of our now former state leader. Please keep writing to all of us, as your clarity, intelligence, wit, and bravery have resonated so powerfully in our lives. You have become important to our family as a symbol of strength and pride. Our deep respect and best wishes extends to Nat, who also has been a marvel of love and strength, and your many pals who have defined loving and caring friendship.

Great news Lisa !! It’s been a tough year but it’s all behind you now. Have a good spring and summer and enjoy it. You deserve it !! T. & S.

YEAH!!! Lisa (& Nat), Glad to hear you are getting good results. My love to you both and Ethan! Love, E. H.

Congratulations Lisa You have been through a lot during the last year. I am so glad that things are coming around for you and your family. I know how difficult this has been. I have had 3 friends in similar situations along with a brother. Say hi to your mom, dad, and Kelly when you see them. You have been in our thoughts and prayers since we first ran into your mom and dad and found out about your diagnosis. You have always been a special person to our family. Stay well. Love P. M.

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Before I close my eyes for the night, I wanted to post a quick note to let you know how I was feeling after that very rough day last Thursday. I finally warmed up, ended up sleeping pretty well, and by the following morning, I no longer ached all over. I even managed a full day at work on Friday.

I had no other issues with Zometa side effects over the weekend, and because my next infusion isn’t until mid-February, I’m looking forward to a break from cancer.

One thing I know I’ll look forward to doing during this “time off” is calling the woman who does my eyebrows. I remember one of the women I spoke to waiting for radiation one afternoon said that one day I’d look in the mirror and BAM! I’d have eyebrows again. And sure enough just over this weekend a whole bunch of dark eyebrow hair has sprouted! Go figure.

I’m not quite to the point where I can return to my hairdressers (although I’m hoping it will be only a matter of weeks), but I now have enough hair on my head that I’ve stopped wearing hats and scarves.

And because of this recent hair growth, I’m finally getting to the point where I like looking in the mirror because I can actually see my reflection coming back into focus. It was hard during chemo, even when I squinted really hard, to recognize myself without eyebrows, eyelashes or hair on the top of my head.

Simply said - I'm happy to see signs that my body is recuperating, regenerating and reviving!

Love, Lisa

-MESSAGES-

Wonderful news Wonderful news that your hair is growing again - a sign of the end of one process and the start of another one as your strength grows.

Lisa You look wonderful today! So sorry that you are having to experience all of this other terrible side-effects, and cannot imagine anyone showing the strength and fortitude that you have shown, and am SO glad that you are improving daily. What a thrill to actually. We are constantly rooting for you and keeping you in our prayers. D.

Whoopee!! So happy to hear things are so much better for you. You deserve some free time from all you have gone through. Think of you often. Take care and enjoy. A. J.

Spring Lisa, I have marveled at your ability to write these wonderfully insightful notes during this illness. Spring is just around the corner and you have definitely turned the corner in this illness. Spring brings rebirth and optimism and I wish all of these things for you and your family. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. We are all thinking healthy and happy thoughts for you. J.

Yippee Skippee!!! You have eyebrows! I'm soooooo excited! I'm also glad you warmed up! I don't suppose you want to take a trip to Alaska anytime soon? I'm also glad that you will have a 3 day weekend to celebrate all of the positive things going on! The following is for you. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a happy!!!!!! M.

Wonderful news! We were so happy to read this last update and know that you are feeling so much better and that your eyebrows and hair are reappearing! Love, A. A. and U. J.

Yay! Just a quick Yay! from California. I am glad you are starting to feel like yourself again and recognize yourself. I am really happy for you and still cheering for you from the West. -K.

Hi from Ann Arbor I had a good walk with Ami today at the rec center, and he told me of your progress and how well you are doing. That pleases me so much. Prue and Ami were wonderfully kind to me when I had Ovarian Cancer stage IV. Prue and friends even prepared Pesach for my family. I told Prue how much I enjoyed the photos of the marathon. Good luck to you. B. and M. L.

Hey Lisa I just wanted to stop in and say hey! It's good to see that your body is responding well to the treatment - hope you're plucking your uni-brow by now (If you had one to begin with of course : ))

We're doing a heck of a lot of work to get those doctors at the MD Anderson center some new equipment and research funding. Thus far we've raised over $165,000 - just this year! I just wanted to send my thoughts your way and let you know that you're an inspiration in my life.

So keep your chin up, you're almost there. D. E.
The Texas 4000 Team '08.

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